Nobody listens to me!

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Personal Development

Nobody listens to me!” Have we not heard that one before! We may have heard them so many times that we no longer hear them anymore! What? That’s right; these words may have become invisible to us!

 

I bet you have used them before. Can you recall the response you got? I bet others have said them to you ….what was the response you gave?  My guess is that most of the time the response was an insipid one! These words were dissolved in indifference, defiance, justification, defensiveness and even rebuttal! The most famous ones being….”What, I don’t listen…..it’s you who doesn’t listen!” or “I know what you are going to say, I have heard it all before!” Sounds familiar?

 

A few days ago my Mum shouted these words to me and the response I gave was, well as you can guess…I tuned magician and made them disappear! Just like that, even David Copperfield would have been impressed! Zap, dissolved in indifference. That evening, these words came ringing back, much like the sound of the alarm you hear in the morning. “Nobody listens…..nobody listens…..nobody listens…..nobody listens…..nobody listens…….” Then it hit me, I had not listened. I heard the words but not listened to the person.  Hardly anybody listens to persons today…especially to the ones we are in a committed relationship with!

 

 

What does it mean “to listen”? Really, stop for a moment and think…what do these words REALLY mean? Is it about hearing? Does it mean logically understanding the ideas and thoughts that are being communicated? Does it mean agreeing with what the other is saying?    

 

     The first duty of love is to listen.

Paul Tillich

 

Words have no meaning, people have meaning!

 

LISTENING means acknowledging the other person’s being. It is about validating a person’s right to be present in my company, respecting, honoring and recognizing their “belonging” and keeping their value secure and safe. When this happens, it results in engagement, connection and the understanding of that person’s meaning. Words have no meaning, people have meaning! Their “meaning” is their humanity, their emotions, their soul!  

 

This is the PRIMARY meaning and outcome of listening! It is the life blood of relationships. It’s the “river of life” that sustains, nurtures and nourishes our humanity!   Content is SECONDARY. Content deals with the issues, ideas or the agenda that is being discussed at hand. This too is important but is only so because the primary.    

 

The primary deals with the bigger picture, the vision, the higher meaning and outcome of relationships, partnership, business enterprises, group, communities, governments, faith and nations. It is the “constitution” of being human…the making, understanding and development of our meaning, value and significance both as individuals and as a community.

 

“Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”

- Sue Patton Thoele

 

How important is this PRIMARY outcome? Well, many social, psychological, emotional and sociological issues faced by individuals today have their roots in the problem of not being listened to. This result in disengagement, a lack of emotional connection, aloneness, a feeling of being misunderstood, abandoned and not accepted. This may explain the increasing numbers of addiction among teens and adults, suicides, deviant behavior, divorces, family and corporate conflicts, etc….the plague of the human soul!       

 

“While the right to talk may be the beginning of freedom, the necessity of listening is what makes the right important”

-Walter Lippmann

 

When this PRIMARY is forgotten or dissolved by indifference, then the SECONDARY takes center stage. Issues become the “main meal” and bigger then the relationship(s). The vision, the higher meaning and outcome of relationships, partnerships, community, enterprise, governments and nations is dwarfed by selfishness and egoism which gives rise to defensiveness, “win – lose” communication strategies,  “score keeping”, non respectful engagement, fragmentation, the manipulation of information ,  politicking,  isolation, alones and abandonment…….the “NOBODY LISTENS TO ME” syndrome!

 

We may become eloquent speakers and skilled debaters, intoxicated by our verbosity, but when we forget the higher meaning of communication, its primary meanings, we become “empty gongs” that have lost the grand direction of human communication!     

 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

- Maya Angelou

 

Does this mean that content is unimportant, redundant? NO. Within the context of the primary, content becomes very importance. Content now serves to educate, correct, direct, bring insight, summon creativity and innovation, build, organize and run systems, problems solve, build, enhance and sustain the primary outcome!

 

Within the context of the primary, we can learn to agree to disagree, respect the different opinions of others, their culture and religion, choose non violent forms of communication, be open to change while being secure enough to let go of our outdated maps, creatively engage and dialogue without the fear of being rejected or labeled and use all our of resources to achieve the ends of the primary outcome. In short, we become the human persons creatively involved and engaged in relating and building a better world with better meanings!

 

“The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.”

- Woodrow Wilson

 

Back to my Mum, well the next day I decided to take time out to listen to her, to hear her meanings and needs, to connect and understand. It did not matter that I had to agree with all her wants and demands or accept her irrational fears and doubts; it meant that I could understand her. I could relate, “make real” our relating and help realize some of the outcomes of the primary nature and outcome of a Mother – Son relationship.

 

Nobody listens to me” are words that need to become visible again…words that will remind us of the primary meaning of communication and human relating, words that will always give the secondary meaning its rightful perspective.        

 

“Weigh the meaning and look not at the words.”

- Ben Jonson

 

Words have no meaning, people have meaning!

 

Stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!

Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources. He has more than 14 years experience in Sales, Marketing, Business Management and Talent Development. He holds a MBA from Gordon University, Illinois, is a Certified & Licensed Trainer of Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS, USA), a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS, USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner.  You can follow Conrad on facebook!
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