It’s complicated!

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, Personal Development

I bet you have heard this one before: “It’s complicated!” You may have seen it all over facebook under “relationship status”, you may have friends who are in a “complicated” relationship, heard of folks whose life is “complicated” and perhaps you too maybe in a complicated situation! Hey, I’m in no way saying that I have not been there before, I have and I have “un complicated” myself…and made an oath to strive to remain uncomplicated! What about you?   

 

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”

- Confucius

 

OK, let’s first define “complicated”. What does it mean? There are many definitions, too many if you ask me. I believe that it all depends on the individual’s context. I know of folks who have told me that their relationship or situation is “complicated” and when I asked them how it was so, this is what I heard:

 

 

“I have a FWB relationship, its complicated, don’t ask me about it” (for those who do not know what “FWB” means, it abbreviates the term “friends with benefits”)

 

“I love my partner but he is also “in love” with someone else…it’s kind of complicated

 

It’s so complicated, my husband says that he loves me but spends all his days, including his weekends in the office. He buys me gifts but does not like talking or spending time with me….I’m afraid to ask him why because I am afraid he will get angry with me and the children and may totally avoid me. But I love him so much, but…..”

 

“He says that he loves me, we plan to get married but he does not show it (the love) to me, I try to shower him with my love to get some kind of response but nothing happens. They say it is always better to give then to receive…..I always have to give but get nothing in return, I’m tired ….but I don’t want to loose him….it a little  complicated!”   

 

“I simply don’t love my boyfriend anymore. But I love his family, they are so cool and I don’t want to break their hearts. I am waiting for the right time to tell him that I want a break up….but sometimes I pity him too…you know what I mean….. It’s complicated.”

 

“ Sometimes in our confussion, we see no the worlds as it is, but the world through eyes blurred by the mind.

- Anonymous

 

The dictionary defines the word “complicated” as “difficult to analyze and understand”, it can also mean “complex” which implies “a perplexing combination of many associated parts”. Confused already? I bet! That’s why it’s called “complicated”! For me the meaning I put to “complicated” in this context is the confusion of levels and layers of meaning, understandings, beliefs and expectations we put to a thing, a person, a situation or a relationship. (i.e. the stimulus out there). In other words we make distorted meanings from the external sensory data we are getting (i.e. a person, a relationship, a situation, etc.) and then layer these meanings with more distorted meanings. We keep on doing this indefinitely and then make them our “reality”, our world view, trapping ourselves within. The examples above give us a good idea of this phenomena.

 

I certainly don’t intend to play judge and jury in “complicated” situations. Each person has the right to make the choices he or she wants and to determine the nature of the relationship they wish to have. What I am offering is for folks who find themselves in a distressing and painful “complicated” situation. My hypothesis, which is not “a solution” but insights, may create an awareness of choice for them to “stir awake”, feel empowered and to take the necessary steps to get “uncomplicated”; to feel deservingly better and clearer and not bitter, frustrated and confused.

 

A lot of what I’ve been learning in the last two years is due to therapy – about my sexuality, why things go wrong, why relationships haven’t worked. It isn’t anything to do with anybody else; it’s to do with me.

- Boy George

 

Back to my definition of “complicated”: “the confusion and distortion of levels and layers of meaning, understandings, beliefs and expectations we put to a thing, a person, a situation or a relationship and then layer these meanings with more distorted meanings and unconsciously assuming them to be reality.” What does this process describe? It describes how we get “complicated” and how we can get “uncomplicated”!    

 

Most of us, before we ever get into a relationship or a “situation” (whatever you wish to label this “situation”), carry with us a set of presuppositions about what “relationships” should be like. We have our own maps of it which we identify with, personalize and attach our esteem and “self value” to. We choose to understand relationships according to these maps and our expectations are drawn from them.

 

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

- Henry Winkler

 

Then we get into a relationship. At the start, it seems ideal and good as it matches our maps and this gives us a pleasant emotional experience. Then things change, the “other” begins to act in ways that mismatches our maps, our expectations, beliefs understandings and expectations. We start to feel uncomfortable and disconnected.

 

Then the situation gets more intense and we feel severely “contradicted”…but we feel that we can’t do much about it. Why? Because we have indentified with our maps, attached our esteem and “self value” to them and “semantically attach” them to that relationship, person or situation. We allow the dissonance to get louder and don’t seem able to give ourselves permission to make any intervention to discuss, communicate and get things realigned. Our esteem, self value, sense of security and certainty are at stake…..and presto: things just got “complicated”!

 

“You know you’re in a healthy relationship when the two of you elevate instead of tolerate one another.”

- Ty Howard

 

Consequently our personal power starts to erode, we feel trapped and out of control in a complicated situation where, on one hand we feel disengaged and on the other “addicted” to the situation for our sense of security, certainty and esteem. Now, as time moves along, we begin to distort things even further, we begin to hallucinate that the “complicated status quo” is “reality” and that’s how things should be. Then we begin to layer more distorted meanings on this “complicated situation”, meanings like, “there’s no perfect relationships anyway”, “things could be worse”, “ I might as well make do with this rather then loose the person I love”, “what would I do without him/her….I just can’t carry on without…..” etc. Now we have arrived at the “end zone”, we now embody our status and proclaim, “It’s complicated”! So what steps can we take to get “uncomplicated”?

 

 

1. Develop your power of awareness:

For most of us, we were “trained” to think in a set pattern of ways, in such Neuro-Linguistic/ Neuro -Semantic formats that it seems absolutely normal for us, so normal we don’t even question them. We need to learn to develop a “conscious awareness” of our thoughts, understandings, beliefs, expectations and meanings that we have made or taken to be “reality” about relationships, the ways of relating and the outcomes. Until we do so, we will remain “defenseless” against being duped by these thought formats, taking them to be “true”, “legitimate” and “real”.

“And we’re seeing a higher level of consciousness and many more opportunities for people to challenge their present ways of thinking and move into a grander and larger experience of who they really are.”

-Neale Donald Walsch

 

2. Use the power of your self-reflective consciousness:

As meaning makers, we were born with reflexivity. Reflexivity is the human mind’s ability to reflect on itself and then on that reflection for a second, third, forth, fifth time, etc. indefinitely. It is this mechanism of our consciousness that will enable us to take a “step back” from ourselves and witness our own experiences, beliefs, understandings, expectations and meanings and then change and respond in ways that we choose, rather then being seduced by them. It is the “red pill” that can change the course of our destiny! Both, awareness and self-reflectivity are the twin powers that can help us get “uncomplicated” in almost any situation! They can help us get “unplugged” and empower us to “rewire” our neuro-linguistic and neuro- semantic realities!     

 

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter.”

- Confucius

 

3. Know what you want:

Know what you want, period. It is that simple. Until we do, we will be tossed around by “inherited” beliefs, meanings and expectations that we may no necessarily be good for us, meanings and expectations of our “commercialized cable TV culture” or even of our peers who may just be “blissfully complicated”! Know what you want and deserve in any situation, relationship or circumstance. Know what you are willing and not willing to compromise. Choose, make and take responsibility and ownership of the beliefs, meanings, understandings, values, principles and expectations that you want to embody. This will set your feet on solid ground and help you remain connected with your very self and generate personal power! 

 

We’ve been told there’s a certain way to live … that this is living … and we … we never really questioned it. We just sort of went along. But what if it’s not the best way? What if there’s another way that’s better? What if there’s something more?!

- Walter Wykes, The Profession

 

4. Esteem and love yourself:

Most of our issues that lead us to “complication” have its roots in a deficient self esteem. When we believe that our esteem, personal sense of value and security is as cheap as a bottle of soda and is tied up to something “out there”, to a thing, a person, a relationship, a situation or an outcome, we will be in for an emotional roller coaster ride!  Our sense of esteem was inherited from childhood and if it came with “deficiency” coupled with “conditional” love; the need to please and perform to feel loved, appreciated and accepted; then these conditions would go on and pull its strings in adulthood! So much of the “it’s complicated” situations and relationships draw its addictive “psycho –emotional” energy for such deficient needs, beliefs and meanings! We simply unconsciously perform them in these “complicated” situations or relationships thinking that that’s how things should play out!

 

“The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists  solely in moving toward self-sufficiency.”

- Quesntin Crisp 

 

 

Can this be changed? You bet! If we are able to take the first three steps cited above, we are able to reengineer ourselves! The truth is that our self esteem can never grow bigger or shrink smaller, it’s a given, totally and fully when we were born as a human person, unique, unrepeatable, the pinnacle of creation and in the knowledge of our higher power. As adults, no matter what “stuff” may have been happened in the past, we can, with the three simple and powerful steps above, claim our esteem, embrace and love ourselves unconditionally! Whoever you are reading this blog, know that you are worth it! You deserve the best, believe it! You only have to be you and no one else to be happy, that’s the path of self actualization! You do not need to be needed; you can claim your “voice”, choose your beliefs and meanings and determine the kind of relationships you want!

 

“Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself.”

- Robert Collier

 

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”

- Oscar Wilde

 

5. Know where you are at now, where you want to be and have the courage to take steps to get there:

Finally, once you have done the above, take a step back and make a “reality check”. Are you in a “complicated” situation, relationship or circumstance? What’s not working? What are you in pain about? What’s causing this pain? What is it that is confusing? What is it that is leading you to be disconnected to your highest and best intentions for this relationship?

 

“God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are.”

- Billy Graham

 

Once you have done this, get connected to what you really want, step three above. Can you see the “gap”? If you keep on doing what you are currently doing, will you arrive at where you want to be? If the answer is no, then take courage coupled with your renewed sense of unconditional self esteem, self regard and love, and take the measures, steps and actions to get things realigned. You may need to schedule time out to discuss things honestly, communicate openly, learn to say “no” or “yes”, lovingly challenge, change some of the rules of engagement, make decisions and take massive consistent action to realize them. Whatever these steps maybe, it will set you on the path to “un complicate” your situation!

 

 

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”

- Pietro Aretino

 

Take it from someone who was trapped in a “complicated” situation and relationship for nine years, taking these steps is worth it! They work! You owe it to yourself to do so…and the sooner you do the sooner will things start to feel good again. Once you have done so, keep practicing the five steps above, they will help you remain “uncomplicated”! Above all, never stop loving and accepting yourself unconditionally! God does, why not you?

 

To your highest and best, Happy Easter!   

 

Stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!

Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro – Semantics, USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS, USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA from Gordon University, Illinois, USA.

 

You can follow Conrad on facebook!

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