“Charizomai”- Part 1

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?


I remember an incident that occurred in 2010 which was a difficult and painful year for me. My Mum was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer and the doctors had given her only six months to live. Mum had been staying with me since my father’s passing in 1999 and I had grown accustomed to her being around. I must admit that the news of her terminal illness was “traumatic”, saddening and excruciating; there were days that I spent in tears, anger and a deep sense of hopelessness.


Nonetheless, as the days moved on, I made a commitment to give my Mum my very best for those “last few months” of her life, no matter how difficult and challenging it would get. I promised to put on a brave front, fight on and be the best that I could be for her. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months, the strain of looking after mother single handedly began to take a toll; her frequent admission, emergencies, appointments, treatments, more treatments and complications coupled with her slowing down, lack of mobility and my deep sense of sadness at witnessing my Mum being ravaged by cancer exerted a heavy cost.    


There were days when I felt totally overwhelmed with tiredness, helplessness, fatigue, sadness, irritation and emotional exhaustion; I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride that had no ending! Then the inevitable happened, I totally “lost it” with my Mum and it happened a few days before her passing. I remember the incident clearly: Mum had been throwing away the medication which I had been giving her for the past few days and this triggered me to loose my patience and to sternly correct. I even told her that she was not being grateful for all I had been doing for her! My dear Mum on her part just kept quiet at my protest and I’ll never forget the look she wore on her face.   



Though I did ask my Mum for forgiveness after the event and was forgive by her (to be honest, the only thing that I kept asking of her till the very end was for her forgiveness!), I could never really forgive myself for the incident; for me, I had failed to give her my best which I had promised. God knows how much I had asked Him for forgiveness too but to forgive myself was just beyond me.


As the days past, after my Mum’s passing, I began to be overwhelmed with much personal guilt, shame and self hatred so much so that I lost my inner sense of peace, equilibrium and self worth. There was never a day that the incident did not come to mind and churn in me the emotions of shame, guilt, self anger, self hatred and a deep send of self alienation. To be honest, there were days that I’d get to bed feeling miserable about myself and get up the next morning feeling the same way!


Then it dawned on me. My inability to forgive myself was stopping me from allowing the forgiveness of God and my Mum to touch me and this had the potential of turning my life into a painful and torturous existence! I then knew that I had to work on the one obstacle that stood in the way of me and the experience of being forgiven by God and my Mum; my inability to forgive myself. It kept me from experiencing the peace of being forgiven, “Charizomai”, which is the Greek word for grace, which means “to grace you”In short I was not living in a state of grace with myself!        


How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?


This blog and the ones to come, deals with the critical matter of self forgiveness; it shares with you some the journey and some of the steps I took in the process of forgiving myself. I do know this much, the day we learn to forgive ourselves is the day we gain wisdom, freedom and humility. It is the day we encounter and accept our fallibility and specifically face whatever transgression we have committed with a sense of maturity, ownership and responsibility to forgive ourselves, heal and take specific steps to learn from the experience; incorporate the lessons and making them new habits of behaving and to be at peace with ourselves, others and with God, however we choose to understand Him. To live in a state of “Charizomai”.


“You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And let God do the rest.”

 - Unknown


So let’s start….What does forgiving oneself mean?


Does it mean to make a wrong right and to condone a transgression? Does it mean not accepting ownership and responsibility for the wrong done?  Much of our struggle to forgive ourselves lies in our cognitive distortions and our semantic misunderstanding of what “self forgiveness” truly is and what its not.  


Forgiving oneself means to cease to blame or hold resentment against oneself, to grant pardon for a mistake or wrongdoing and to free oneself from toxic guilt, shame and self hatred. To stop sentencing oneself to the death penalty, day in and day out, as well as ruthlessly distrusting and undermining ones self worth and self efficacy! It however does not mean making a wrong right, denying wrong, blaming, condoning a lack of responsibility or rationalizing away the transgression which enables the “wrong doing” to live on. It does not mean “its Ok, everybody screws up”…it does not mean diminishing a transgression which may have hurt someone, yourself, your higher calling and purpose and your Higher Power, however you choose to understand Him or Her.



I believe that there are two common strategies that folks develop when that have an erroneous understanding of the concept of self forgiveness based on the above; the first is laxity, the looking over, dismissing, rationalizing or blaming away any personal ownership, responsibility and consequences for ones behavior. This can lead to the development of a lax conscience, evident today in the behavior of individuals who seem to live their lives without any moral compass, accountability and responsibility!


For example, if you get caught by the police for double parking, you would try to negotiate your way out of getting a ticket by saying you are “sorry”, etc. Then a few days later, when there’s no police around, you double park again. The same for talking on the phone without a hand free kit….or for any other instance where there’s laxity……”It’s OK, everybody does it, its being human, “forgive” and move on” we say, and after few days we repeat the same behavior. Here the only “morality” that exists is “You can do anything, just don’t get caught”! What’s missing? A real admission of error, a commitment to change, to live according to a higher meaning and a strategy to actualize this in behavior.      


“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.”

- Steve Maraboli, Life, Truth, and Being Free  


The second strategy is extreme and severe negative introspection and self blame, constantly recalling of the “wrong doing” while condemning oneself to guilt and shame: “maniac –like” scrupulosity! Some consciously or unconsciously use this as a strategy to keep themselves from failing again and on the “straight and narrow”; believing that holding on their guilt “justifies” them in their eyes and in the eyes of God!


Scrupulosity is a form of psychological disorder characterized by pathological guilt, shame and fear about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing and is viewed as a moral or religious form of obsessive–compulsive disorder: the constant nagging and negative micro managing, questioning, blaming and doubting of oneself to death followed by the incessant clamor and asking for forgiveness for a wrong doing which may have happened years ago!



It is interesting to note that the word “scrupulosity” is derived from the Latin word “scrupulum”, meaning a sharp stone and implying a stabbing pain on ones conscience. This description itself sounds painful enough!          


For example, we mess up badly. We hurt a dear one and realize it. Then we make ourselves the central authority to condemn and execute ourselves for it everyday. Recalling the error, condemning and executing ourselves while going through our past and present with a judgmental and condemning attitude. We say, “I can’t let this happen again, just look how much I have screwed up, I’m just horrible” and we run this painful mantra all the time, obsessive – compulsively while scrupulously splitting hair on our motives and intentions.  


Again the question is this: Have I really repented, learned from the error, forgiven myself, let go of the emotions of shame and guilt and made an option to incorporate the lesson into my life so that I can actualize higher and richer meanings while restoring any external broken relationship? Is there reconciliation with myself, others and my Higher Power? Have I opened myself to “Charizomai” and allowed myself to be forgiven? Is pride or humility at work in me?         


How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?


“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.”

 – Martin Luther King, Jr.


Here’s what I have come to believe what forgiving oneself is and means: it is the starting point of growth and maturity. It is the very place someone who desired to live an authentic, ethical, grace filled, loving and wholesome life sets up residence at. It frees ones from hypocrisy and perfectionism, from the shame-based diseases of toxic shame and guilt, a place of humility and brotherhood. For when we can forgive ourselves, we can forgive others and this keeps us moving along the path of continuous growth and “fear-less” self expression and self actualization.


How does this happen? By owning our wrong doing, learning from them and then releasing the emotions of self rejection, shame and guilt and replacing them with self love, self acceptance and an appreciation of our resilience to renew and be transform: we begin to grow from the inside out, authentically, that’s how. This process stands at the core of the journey of self actualization and the unleashing of our potential; a journey of being open to transforming power of grace, “Charizomai   


“I have learned that sometimes “sorry” is not enough.

 Sometimes you actually have to change.”

- Claire London


Not forgiving oneself on the other hand, keeps one “leashed” and “stuck” in self rejection, self doubt and self condemnation. It keeps one trapped in the past, cut off from the grace of the present and dooms one to a future which is as painful as our past! This keeps one from authentic growth and on the “roller coaster ride” between pride, hypocrisy, striving for self justification through perfectionism and depressing self condemnation.  



What does forgiving yourself mean?

What strategies have you created from this meaning?

 How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?


“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” 

- Martin Luther King, Jr.


In the coming blog, we’ll take a look at how we create our mental maps, our cognitive perceptions about self forgiveness, and how we can change them. Until then, do send some time discovery your current meanings and strategies of forgiving yourself.



 Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention!


Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner.



A Lack of Motivation – Part 2

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

This week we’ll touch on what is for me, TWO of the most common mental road blocks that sap our motivation. It is interesting to note that these “most common road blocks” are mental ones as most of our challenges reside in our minds; how we evaluate and then perceive reality out there. Talent by itself is overrated, it is mental and emotional strength, maturity and awareness that are crucial in helping actualize our highest and best and stay motivated.

(Yes, I did promise you “three” of the most common mental road blocks in the last blog but decided to give you TWO to keep this blog short and sweet. The third one will come in a future blog as it is “big enough” to stand on its own.)     


So if you are ready, here are the TWO most common roadblocks that creep up and sap us of motivation:


1) The over reliance on willpower.   


The Webster’s dictionary defines willpower as self control: the trait of resolutely controlling ones behavior. Many think that this alone is a strong source for keeping one motivated and resolute to a “struggle” to attain an outcome. Others, on the other hand, think that willpower is simply a matter of making a choice and then being “strong” in that choice and magically “motivation” will appear and do the rest.



Most of the time willpower alone will fail, sooner or later. Why? Simply because willpower, which is ones dogged resolve to keep on carrying out a particular activity, is impotent without well thought out and evolving STRATEGIES, SKILLS and TECHNIQUES that produce impactful results which in turn serves as the emotional fuel that keeps us motivated.


This reminds me of a bloke I meet in the gym everyday. He is the epitome of “will power”: discipline in carrying out a set routine of exercise everyday, day in and day out, with the same kind of exercises, sets and duration. Nonetheless, the results he was experiencing was minimal. Why? He lacked the “know how” of developing the right exercise strategy, skills and techniques to meet his specific need, body type, lifestyle and outcome. Nor did he have the appropriate diet plan to assist him in gaining optimal results from his efforts. Thus when he did not attain any impactful results, his motivation began to wane and soon he was no loner a consistent presence in the gym. What was supposed to be an exciting quest for fitness became a chore! Willpower alone could not help him.


“Willpower is useful at times. I use willpower to get the garbage out on Friday mornings. But there’s a price to pay for relying on willpower. Using willpower is the opposite of using your imagination and of losing yourself in an activity. Willpower reduces any activity to the very low status of “chore.”

-Leslie Godwin


What’s the solution?


Develop mental and emotional flexibility.  


Keep in check and updating your strategies, skills and techniques in reference to the results you are currently getting. If you are no getting impactful results, change. To be able to do so, you’ll need mental and emotional flexibility as we are notorious creatures of habit. We love our comfort zone very much unawares that are the very element that will eventually suffocate will power! If you keep doing the same thing but expecting different result, you’ll soon run out of motivation even with the greatest amount of willpower at hand.  On the other hand, when you keep updating you strategies and skills while monitoring your results, you’ll evolve and grow.


“Will, without reason, is a blind man’s motion; will, against reason, is a madman’s motion.

-Benjamin Whichcote


This in turn will help you gain impactful results and impactful results in turn will keep you emotionally motivated; affirming your direction, your “expectation competency”, self belief, self efficacy and self confidence as well as keep you performing the desired activities that will actualize your outcome. What are “impactful results”? Results that significantly indicate to you that you are making progress!


Example, if you go fishing using the same bait and get no bites for a year, you would be crazy not to make a change. But if you do get 36 bites and still carry on doing the same thing for the second year, you’ll soon run our of motivation, no matter how strong willed you maybe. Why? You are simply not getting “impactful results”, unless you are not motivated by the catch of fish.



More then anything else, impactful result will feed your meanings, what you value about your outcome and spark in you the elusive “magic” of motivation while keeping you in the STRETCH ZONE. Developing mental and emotional flexibility is the ideal partner of willpower; it produces enthusiasm and excitement that will keep one motivated and open to adapting new and productive strategies, skills and techniques.


“You only ever grow as a human being if you’re outside your comfort zone.”

- Percy Cerutty


“If you don’t have confidence, you’ll always find a way not to win.”

- Carl Lewis


What do you do when impactful results are missing even with evolving strategies and techniques?


Go find a mentor, someone who has attained a similar outcome and start sharing notes, strategies and “know how”; seek his or her direction, wisdom and help. Remember, willpower itself, without this kind of mental and emotional flexibility, will not keep you sufficiently motivated!


2) You may have hired the wrong success coach: Yourself!


What does a bad coach do? He or she belittles you, discounts your efforts and keeps you feeling insignificant, insecure and unworthy of your outcome. They discourage you by recalling all the times you have “failed”, exhibited immaturity, felt fearful, lacked  strategic intelligence, etc.; acting like an accuser in a loud and belittling voice. Would such a coach keep you motivated?


 But what if this “coach” is you?


What if that “coach” is your negative inner evaluative voice?


If the above is true, it could simply mean that you are being your own worst success coach and this will never keep you motivated!  Why? Because when you keep belittling yourself, putting yourself down and demanding ruthless and sadistic perfection, you inner rebel will soon appear and stir up a rebellion that he will always win; derailing you from your outcome!


Motivation is fundamentally an intrinsic phenomenon, meaning that folks who succeed do so from the inside out, because of their meanings, values and beliefs that produce the desired performance and expectations. So when we become our worst coach, constantly contradicting and canceling ourselves out, we will self destruct from the inside out!


“The inner speech, your thoughts, can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.”   

- Ralph Charell


What’s the solution?


Create greater awareness of your constant inner chatter and self judgements. Don’t blame or punish yourself if you discover that this chatter is highly negative, it is simply an old outdated vestige of your past, old habits that you may have inherited from your upbringing, that just keeps playing on and on without any conscious awareness or interruption.



 Once you have created greater awareness of this chatter, simply learn to turn down its volume by ignoring it; much like folks who live near a train station who have developed the unconscious ability to “turn down” and eliminate the noise of the passing trains and live happily without ever being bothered or disturbed by its intrusion. This step itself will put an end to the days when that this chatter kept you negatively hypnotized, sabotaging your outcomes!


What is the secret behind ignoring these “old tapes”? It is simply this, when we withdraw attention to something, we withdraw energy from it and this in turn will cause it to loose its power to influence.


The next step is to create your own conscious positive SELF TALK that’s non judgmental, critical and condemning but encouraging and empowering! How can you do this? By simply starting to positively talk to yourself. Go ahead and try it now. Recall your efforts, achievements, talents and strengths and use it as evidence of your value, worth, self efficacy and unlimited possibilities! As you do so, play a movie in your head of one of your achievements and fully step into this experience and keep pacing your positive self talk.


” Self-suggestion makes you master of yourself.”

- Stone, W. Clement


You can develop two kinds of self talk. The first kind is INSTRUCTIONAL, by which you keep telling yourself how to carry out the task at hand, keeping you focused and “tight” in executing the proper technique and require skill and strategy. This is critical for activities that need precision and timing, etc.


The second kind of Self Talk is MOTIVATIONAL, which keeps affirming your self efficacy, self belief, and self confidence in being able to successfully carry out and complete a task! You can practice both kinds to keep you energized!


Go ahead and start now, yes, start talking to your self positively and almost instantly you’ll start to feel empowered and strong; and it works! Need evidence?


“A UK research at Bangor University and the University of Kent brought 18 healthy people into a lab and had them pedal on stationary bikes until they were exhausted.  All 18 pooped out after 10 minutes. Then the group was split into two, one was taught to practice self talk, including phases like “Don’t give up,” “I can do this,” “Push it!” and “Dig deep!” Riding just 2 weeks later, the self talk group improved by 20 percent over the control group, lasting for 12 minutes instead of 10.” (“Give Fear The Finger”, Men’s Health, September 2011. )


“Your self-talk is the channel of behavior change”

 - Gino Norris


As you keep practicing the above everyday, you’ll soon discover your inner cheerleader and COACH who’ll keep you motivated and energized! You can certainly make things FUN and extremely ENGAGING in this way!


Even when you are faced with a challenging task, simply say that, “I can do anything!” it surely beats “verbally abusing and beating” yourself from the inside out which will surely not keep you motivated!!!  (For more on creating compelling goals, do check out my blog “The blue hour”, 27th February 2011)



Motivation is an elusive animal for most folks I know. The secret however, to motivation and the cure to a “lack of motivation” lie in the information above. Yes, there are many other “common road blocks” to motivation which I will cover in the future but the golden nectar that produces motivation lies in the high quality meanings and value we give to our outcome, the prolusion we get from these meanings that pushes us to perform specific activities that actualizes the outcome and the expectations we have about our competency, autonomy and relatedness; our self efficacy.


“Man – a being in search of meaning.”



This dynamism is further reinforced by the mental and emotional flexibility to keep adapting new strategies, skills and techniques to produce impactful results that will take us beyond the threshold of pure will power. When this is coupled with a positive self talk from Coach YOU, staying motivated would never be a real problem.


“The best way to predict the future is to invent it.”

- Alan Kay                    `


I hope you’ll be inspired by this short clip and be awoken from the inside out! 



The Awesome Power of Self Talk



Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention!


Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company inMalaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner.


A Lack of Motivation – Part 1

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development, Uncategorized

Two weeks ago, I was engaged by a company to train it’s “under performing” sales staff. The key difficulty that they faced was a lack of motivation”. Now, I’ll be honest with you, the “lack of motivation” has always been the NO.1 issue that almost every company and everyone I know faces, even me! Now, to help sort out this problem, we need to first understand what “motivation” is and how the “lack of motivation” happens. Then and only then can we set out to address the “lack” gap in motivation.




So here we go….


Very simply put, motivation simply means MEANING, the meaning (motive) behind a specific activity, behavior or performance that a person has. When a person has HIGH QUALITY MEANINGS about a particular activity; meaning how he or she perceives it, understands it, values it as being highly inspiring and important for actualizing their highest and best intentions and which is a vision of what they are and want to be, then he or she is motivated. This meaning becomes his or her subjective “value construct” and is the incentive that incites, engages and moves them….MOTIVATION!


For example, Mother Theresa; the MEANING behind her endless social work of charity to anyone, regardless of their race, color or creed, was her vision of feeding the hungry and caring for the dying as her was to share in Jesus’ own  redemptive “work of love” for the least and the lost in the world. This was her “value construct” that incited, engaged and moved her, her Motivation!


“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”

- Tony Robbins


This MEANING then produces “motion”, propulsion, which pushes a person to take specific actionable steps, activities and behaviors which are intended to actualize their meaning. This produces PERFORMANCE. Putting it in another way, performance is driven by meaning; and it produces a DELIBERATE CHOICE to act in a certain way. Under “performance” we have strategies, techniques, and the accusation of skills and “know how”, etc. in order to generate the desired performance that actualizes the high quality, valuable and desirable meaning behind the outcome. This is the second “component” of motivation.


For example, the meanings behind Mother Theresa’s social work pushed her to PERFORM activities that were specifically designed to actualize her outcome. It included fund raising activities, the building of homes, hospitals, food centers, the recruitment of volunteers, etc. Without this component of “performance” of meaning, “motivation” is not motivation but mere pipe dreams or wishful thinking.  


“Words may show a man’s wit but actions his meaning.”

- Benjamin Franklin


Motivation has a third component; it is called EXPECTATION. The component of “expectation” plays a critical part in the fusion of meaning and performance in the motivation factor. Expectation here has three dimensions which are really about Self Efficacy:


a) Competency: How a person views his or her competency to effectively engage in an activity(s) or task, or learn and acquire the needed competency, and complete the activity or task it in order to attain the desired result. Here it has to do with task and skill mastery.


If a person believes that he or she does fulfill this competency expectation, then the planned desired activities will be attempted and actualized. On the other hand if he or she feels that they do not or unable to fulfill this competency, then the planned activities will not be successfully attempted or completed.


We find that people’s beliefs about their efficacy affect the sorts of choices they make in very significant ways. In particular, it affects their levels of motivation and perseverance in the face of obstacles. Most success requires persistent effort, so low self-efficacy becomes a self-limiting process. In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, strung together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.”

-Albert Bandura


b) Autonomy: A person’s ability to be in control of his or her actions; self determined action. Again, if a person feels constricted, “tied up”, controlled and or inhibited, unable to have total control over their planned actions and creative expression, motivation will lack!   


“People who believe they have the power to exercise some measure of control over their lives are healthier, more effective and more successful than those who lack faith in their ability to effect changes in their lives.”

-Albert Bandura


c) Relatedness: To be able to fit in with others and be supported. Here the ability to “fit in” and to “be supported” can refer to a specific group of persons, individuals or even ones higher power. It provides the needed resources, in any means, way of form, that supports a person in acquiring their outcome. 


“Here is the basic rule for winning success. Let’s mark it in the mind and remember it. The rule is: Success depends on the support of other people. The only hurdle between you and what you want to be is the support of other people.”

-David Joseph Schwartz


For example, Mother Theresa not only had high quality meanings behind her outcome, she also believed in its intrinsic value and associated massive amounts of positive understandings, conclusions and intentions behind it. This then propelled her to plan and act out a set of detailed and specific activities that would actualize her outcome, the performance dimension of motivation.



Nevertheless, the above would not have materialized or withstood the test of time and challenges if she did not believe that she had the competency or would acquire the needed competency when the time came, to carry out the needed activities. Neither would it have materialized if she did not enjoy full autonomy to actualize her outcome or calling; hence the establishment of her own order of nuns! Finally she had availed to her self the needed support from others as well as her Higher Power, in a wide array of ways, means and forms, to enable her to realize her outcome and the meaning behind it!  This was the power of her self efficacy! 


‘People’s beliefs about their abilities have a profound effect on those abilities. Ability is not a fixed property; there is a huge variability in how you perform. People who have a sense of self efficacy bounce back from failures; they approach things in terms of how to handle them rather than worrying about what can go wrong’

- Albert Bandura


Thus this synergy of “meaning, performance of meaning and expectation” produces MOTIVATION! These “three components” make up the Neuro Semantics and Neuro Linguistic Psychology/ Programming of motivation. 


‘Only a person strongly motivated by a belief will be liable to enter into and persist in an action. Why? Because belief is anchored in a need. Knowledge alone of a path or activity will not necessarily trigger action, because it is not anchored in a need of the individual’

-Reuven Feuerstein


Once we have understood this, we can address the problem of a “lack of motivation”.


If one has low or degraded levels of meaning and value for an outcome, obviously “motivation” will lack. On the other hand, when the desired activities, strategies and skills are not acquired and acted out for the desired outcome to be actualized, performance is affected and the outcome will be lost. Again, “motivation” will be lacking.


Finally if a person’s competency expectation is low (his self efficacy), if he or she lacks self determination and autonomy to be in control of his or her actions and is not supported in any way, form or means in his or her quest, “motivation” will wane and eventually be lost. It’ll never lead him or her to the “choice point” of decision and continuous sustained action to actualize an outcome.


“Strong, deeply rooted desire is the starting point of all achievement.”

-Napoleon Hill


So, with the information above, I do believe that you’ll be able to “self correct” any “lack of motivation” you experience in your career, relationships, business, management or leadership roles, in your spiritual life, etc. How? By analyzing and identifying the “gaps” in the different “components” of motivation and seeking to refresh, renew and refurbish your existing meanings, performance activities and standards and your self efficacy. All of which leads us to “choice point”: the decision to act and keep taking action to attain an outcome or the decision not to act or cease taking consistent action, leading us away from our outcomes.    


Are you willing to give it a go?



“I know that I have the ability to achieve the object of my Definite Purpose in life, therefore, I demand of myself persistent, continuous action toward its attainment, and I here and now promise to render such action.”

-Napoleon Hill


In the coming blog, PART TWO of A LACK OF MOTIVATION, I’ll cover THREE of the most common mental road blocks that sap our motivation, a major cause of a “lack of motivation.” They reside in the “Meaning”, “Performance” and “Self- Efficacy or Expectation” components of motivation.


Hope you enjoy this short clip from the movie “Have a little faith” about Henry Covington: the power of the meaning behind his performance to build and actualize his outcome to build a community and his self efficacy in his journey to the place he is and that he’ll hopes to get to. Be inspired!  




Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention!


Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner.

“Compulsion Blow Out!”

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

Last Tuesday morning I awoke “on the wrong side of the bed”. OK, specifically, I woke up in a pretty bad mood: in a negative state of mind! As I crawled out of bed to the bathroom, I began wondering how I had arrived at such a state. I recalled that I had got up a few times during the night, twisting and turning and this, I guessed, deprived me of the quality sleep I had hoped for. Nevertheless, I began to realize that something else was amiss.



I recalled that I had got to bed the night before feeling tired and with a load of “things I must get done” for the next day. Though I had managed to whisper a few words of thanksgiving to my Higher Power, I was almost instantly invaded by fatigue and sleep minutes after I had hit the sack. Then what followed was a night of restless sleep but I did notice one thing; every time I awoke, my mind and my emotions was crowded out by worry, anxiety and a compulsion to get what I needed to get done the next day!


 “Pain of mind is worse than pain of body.”

- Publius Syrus


This was the real cause of my restless sleep and the cause of my bad mood! Have you had one of those experiences? Has this ever happened to you before?


What followed was the gestalt state of the combination of these three elements,  worry, anxiety and compulsion, for half a day; in short I was obsessed! I wanted to get things done quickly and perfectly and at the same time I was afraid to make mistakes and this in turn made me anxious about the task I had to do and to worry; soon I was back to step one,  hurrying myself to get things done with a critical and compulsive voice!  What was even more stunning was that this “loop” soon engulfed the entire focus  of my thinking and emoting and the tasks themselves soon began to feel heavy,  burdensome and unappetizing!!!


“When you attempt to eliminate risk from your life, you eliminate along with it, your ability to function.”

- Fred Penzel


Man, this is a sure way to turn any thing you love doing; be it your work, a craft, a hobby, a sport or passion into a lifeless and dreadful task!


The next thing I did was to take a step back and study this habit of mine: to  study my unconscious mental – emotional strategy of getting things done.


Here are some questions that I asked myself:



How  long have I been using this strategy?

Was this strategy useful and productive?

Did it generate the kind of creativity, innovation and resourcefulness that I wanted?

Did it make things fun, exciting and engaging?

Or did it leave me feeling tired and stressed: causing me to dread the very things that I was passionate about?

What were the meanings, beliefs, conclusions and understandings behind this strategy that kept it in place and operational?

(This was the most important question as it held my neuro semantics about the strategy.) 


How long have I been using this strategy?

What I discovered was that I had used this strategy since my college days and that had slipped into my unconscious! In other words, it had become my default frame of mind whenever I had an important task to get done. No wonder I felt stresses!


Was this strategy useful and productive?

I guess that at one time it was or may have been…or so I thought! You see, the answer to this question had a lot to do with the last question, about the

meanings, beliefs and understandings that held this strategy in place: my higher frame of meanings about it. So I’ll answer that last question now….


You see, as a little kid, I wasn’t that bright in school. I was the “average Joe” and my dear parents, with only good intentions in mind, desired me to be a “top gun”. The only way they knew how to help me achieve this was through the practice of negative affirmations, comparing me with other “bright kids” and by “should-ing” and “must-ing”: I should do better, should work harder, must be smarter, must …should….must….should….etc! Now the conclusion that I drew as a kid, who had the mental development for a kid and not an adult like my parents which was able to decipher their higher intentions, were pretty self depreciating and discounting! Of course, they had presented me the “hard evidence”, from their comparisons and my results, which framed me as “not being bright and good enough”


“The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other.”

- Sir Francis Bacon


This is how beliefs are formed; from the “hard evidence” presented to us and the evaluative judgments and conclusions we draw from them, no matter if they were false, biased, screwed, misleading, unrealistic, demeaning or even based on poor parenting skills even if they were based on the best of intentions.


So, I walked away believing that I was not smart, slow and clumsy…..heck, I believed that I was kind of “stupid” and “blur” too. These meanings became my unconscious and non – contested conclusions about myself, my ability,  capability and identity. As a response, I constructed a strategy for learning and doing almost that was based on perfection while berating my fallibility. With such a strategy against a back drop of limiting and self depreciating beliefs, worry and anxiety walked in while self efficacy got suffocated!


The strategy was now completed and I used it during my college days. The results I experienced were phenomenal! I slowly climbed the “ladder” of intellectual capability and soon became an “A” student: the crème de la crème, the elite 5% club of “the few and the proud”. While the applause was loud and the admiration ego stroking, my internal reality was the opposite. I still felt nervous, uncertain and “not smart” enough. The results did not become evidence of my real ability and capability but instead, it became a pressure to keep performing as now, my entire sense of self esteem depended on it! Now, I had effectively created a “dragon state” by turning negative energy against myself, putting me at odds with myself! I was now effectively saying to myself that “I did not trust myself, I had no real value unless I attained perfection, etc.” So the Obsessive Frame Game got created; my strategy of getting things done.


This unconscious strategy was still operating today! Man, I need a mental map and strategy upgrade as the current one did not match the true territory of my intellectual capability, ability and real God given identity!


“I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in  the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.”

- Abraham Maslow


Was  this strategy useful and productive?

Heck  not anymore!


Did it generate the kind of creativity, innovation and resourcefulness that I wanted?

No. It killed creativity, stifled innovation through the practice of my “ritualized  set of behaviors” and it was certainly not resourceful with the pressure of perfectionism, worry and anxiety!


Did it make things fun, exciting and engaging?

No. It was a “fun” killer! It slowly turned anything exciting, relaxing and engaging into a dreaded and painful activity that needed to be perfectly performed and “failure” meant personal “Armageddon”. Experimentation, adventure or curiosity flew out of the window!


“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

- Shakespeare, from Measure for Measure


Did it leave me feeling tired and stressed: causing me to dread the very things that I was passionate about?

Yes, yes, yes. In fact it was so “infectious” and persuasive; it could ruin my whole day and night, pushing me out of bed on its wrong side! Feeling stressed, tired and “heavy” was the norm! It was not ecological and was not based on “new” evidence of my true ability!


Now, if you have similar problems or issues, no matter how intense or persuasive it may be, you can do something about it. First, just accept the current situation, second practice emotional awareness as much of the stuff lies in your unconscious which can be detected through your feelings and emotions. Once you have tracked them, work back words with the coaching question cited above. Remember to be gentle with yourself and be prepared for a mental map upgrade.


Once you have done the above, you can proceed to create a new strategy for learning, working, completing a task,  attempting  something new, solving a problem, facing a new challenge, exercising or even relaxing and enjoying your favorite past time.


How can you do this?


Firstly by going through the coaching question above, tracking the strategy and most importantly, the meanings, beliefs and conclusion you have created and which keeps it operational is essential. This will revel to us how we have created our Obsessive Frame Games: the negative frames of mind, the conclusions and beliefs which we have abstracted and which drive them, creating anxiety, worry and the compulsion for perfection and which drive us off the “wrong side of the bed”.


Remember that unless we discover our operational “neuro semantics”, we’ll never be able  to exercise our inner freedom to make new choices by exercising our God given powers of thinking, feeling, speaking and behaving, while actualizing our highest and best from a an ecological frame of mind.



Once you have done so, you can proceed to do the following pattern:


Step One:

Accept your current strategy as just being an outdated mental map and strategy. If you learned your way into an unproductive and compulsive habit, you can do the reverse and unlearn it while learning a new one.

Remember that our mental maps create our internal reality, that’s why they seem real.


“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”

- Mark Twain


Step Two:

Once you have done so, access new evidence of your real capabilities, abilities, resourcefulness, creativity as well as your own “unique genius”: the unique way you express your talents and gifts.


What are some of the things you have done and achieved or accomplished that makes you happy and proud?

How did these make you feel and think about yourself?

What did it reveal about your real potential, abilities and capabilities?

With such evidence and results, what NEW conclusions, beliefs and meanings can you draw about yourself, your ability and capability?

What would these mean for you?


Step Three:

Do you like these new beliefs about yourself and your abilities and capabilities?

Will they create more resourceful states in you?

Are they ecological? Do they cause any disharmony in you?

Do you want them?

Do you like to keep them?


“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

 - George Eliot


Step Four:

Based on your new beliefs, create a new strategy for learning, facing new challenges, completing a task, creating solutions and problem solving, learning, experimenting, exercising, etc.


What are the resources you’ll need in this NEW strategy that will enable you to attempt these activities productively and with sense of excitement and


Would it be a sense of curiosity, self efficacy, trust, fun, excitement, flexibility, creativity, persistence, patience, etc?



Access these resources now and step into them: for example if fun and curiosity are two resources you have picked, simply access a time when you had experienced “fun and curiosity”: see what you see, feel what you feel and hear what you are hearing.

Amplify them and then apply them to your state of learning, problem solving, facing new  challenges, completing a task, etc.


“Rule your mind or it will rule you.”

- Horace


Step Five:

Once you have done the above, stack them!


Have your new beliefs as your higher frame of mind, making them the canopy of your consciousness. Give it a new name, a Frame Game for learning, completing a task, experimenting, problem solving, etc.


For example, you can name this new game, “My Personal Genius Game”: this will act as your executive frame of mind, much like a “watch cap” that you’ll wear when ever you attempt a task, etc. (A watch cap is a tight fitting knit cap worn in cold weather, typically issues to navy personnel)


Once you have done this, stack the resources in this new game that you’ll be playing: for example it could be curiosity, flexibility to learn from mistakes, persistence, patience, fun and excitement. Step into each of these resources and “put them on” one by one, much like putting on layers of warm clothing, while your beliefs remain as your “watch cap.”


Once you have done the above, you have created a new neuro semantic and linguistic strategy for getting a task done.



Step Six

Apply. Step into this new strategy now and attempt a new task, experiment, learning, etc.

Do you like it? Does it provide you the needed resources to feel engaged and “turned on”?

Do you find it ecological? Are there any objections to this new strategy?

If there are none, do you want to keep it?

Would you want to give it away?


Step Seven

Keep using this new strategy until it becomes a new unconscious habit.


“Habit is overcome by habit.”

- Thomas à Kempis, c. 1420


The above not only helped me to create a new learning or task completing strategy but more importantly, it helped me clear out my old beliefs that were unconsciously pulling my strings and perpetuating in me a compulsive strategy that kept me stresses and anxious. Do give it a try!



Now, one last word on perfection: well, it does not exist in this world inhibited by imperfect and highly fallible human persons. In fact, it is the most over rated myth that’s perpetuated by our culture.


The opposite, imperfection, which is learning through experimenting and mistake making, is the true path of excellence: the path of continuous learning! Much of the important stuff we have today that feed us, enrich and  saves our lives have resulted from the mistakes of others. For example: the microwave oven, penicillin, LSD, Viagra, the sandwich, the chocolate cookie, silly putty, X- rays, brandy, artificial sweeteners, vulcanized rubber, potato chips, corn flakes, post–it notes, popsicles, Velcro, Teflon, coke, etc. were created by mistake. Now, if perfection was the norm, these things would not have been created!


“Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.”

- Annette Funicello


Nevertheless the question that should really intrigue us is this; what was the frame of mind of these individuals who created the above “by mistake”? What were their beliefs and meanings and their strategy for attending to their task, work or jobs? What game were they playing? Certainly not a mindless, obsessive and compulsive one filled with anxiety and worry: one which leads to stress, tiredness and a fear of making mistakes!

“Trusting yourself is the ultimate lesson. It’s where all the guidance leads.”

- Melody Beattie


I invite you to view this clip, a teaching by Yoda, which serves as a metaphor for helping us to relearn our beliefs and strategies for learning or attempt

any task, no matter what it maybe, in a more productive, ecological and empowering way!


May the force be with you!




Think  radically and stretch beyond convention!


Stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business  Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro – Semantics, USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS, USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner.


Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

Last week my wife brought to my attention that the first quarter of the year had just passes and, within 3 months time, we’d be at the half way mark of 2012. Man, that super lightning fast, don’t you think so? Time does “fly”! Nevertheless her statement got me thinking, though time does “fly”, what’s more important is what “flies” out and “flies” into our lives that matters: this and this alone determines the quality of the time passed.     


That got me reflecting about how the year had progressed thus far, about the commitments I had made to myself, to others, to my business, my relationships as well as my “New Year’s Resolution”: to perform random acts of kindness to combat the effects of “global cooling”. (Check my blog on “Global Cooling”, 1st of January 2012). Did these commitments “fly out” the window of my soul or did they remain operative, “dragging in” the positives outcomes that enriched my life?  




I took a quick peek into my “black box” of meanings that give intention, direction and drive to my life, my emotions or emotional thermostat and my actions for the past 3 months to access how I was truly doing. When I say “truly doing”, I simply mean if I had being authentic, transparent and congruent from the inside out to the world “out there” with these commitments. Why? Simply because as human persons, we have the habit of showing or portraying to the world a persona which looks acceptable, good or even admirable but within, we may hide our “true and real” selves which may not be “great or admirable”; that part of us that really needs to be embraced and transformed by our commitments to self renewal, self reformation and evolution: SINCERE GROWTH!


What I discovered from my “peek within” wasn’t that great though; at best, I had kept some of my commitments, occasionally! At worst, they were totally forgotten: I was living as my “old self” with my pet rationalizations that gave me the false comfort that I was actually doing “fine”, in broad general terms,  compared to “others”! This was the part that the world did not see, the “not so pretty” part of my old and outdated beliefs, maps and toxic meanings that remained resistant to transformation by denial, pride, lethargy and apathy.  


“There are only two options regarding commitment. You’re either IN or you’re OUT. There is no such thing as life in-between.”

- Pat Riley


Emotionally, I seemed to be on a “roller coaster” ride. I had lost a substantial amount of awareness of the quality of the emotions that I was experiencing for the past months: emotions that I had come to accept as “normal”: irritation, anger, impatience, fearfulness, doubt, anxiety, worry and to some measure resentment. They were always there, below the radar of my consciousness, running “the show” and keeping me in pretty unresourceful states! This “stuff” stood in the way of me and my commitments: sincere growth wasn’t that sincere!           


So the question that came to mind was simply this: What is it that was stopping me from sincere growth? My own self centeredness and fears: these blocked out authentic growth, self actualization and transformation which were not only the outcomes of the commitments that I had made but also the path to its actualization.


What was the solution? A reboot!




In this blog, I wish to share with you some of the steps I took to reboot myself, which incidentally is not a “one time”, instant step but a process that needs repeated remembrance, application and practice.


Reboot Step One: SURRENDER!


Surrender everything once again to your higher power, whatever you wish to call or understand Him or Her! Whatever we find within us; be it our light and our darkness, our failures, lethargy, indifference and our entire lives, needs to be surrendered once again to our higher power.


Perhaps this step does not sound cool or sexy enough for many of us in this day and age of control, self determination and the “worship of me, myself and I over others”, but it is the tired and tested path to sincere growth, transformation and peace. “The power of surrender is actually a powerful method for silencing your ego enough to allow your highest self and true potential to come shining through without resistance.”- Raymond David Salas.



Once we have done so, ask that our life maybe used by our Higher Power for its purpose. Why? Our Higher Power knows all of our skills, abilities, talents, gifts, loves, passions, joys as well as our original intentions and purpose for this life.


“You cannot fulfill God’s purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans.”

― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Here for


Accessing and surrendering to our Higher Power helps us bypass our ego defenses, pride, denials and pet rationalizations as well as silence our fears which are the root cause of our defenses. I do believe that it is our very fears, insecurities, hurts and the “false truths” that we form about ourselves, others, our potential, capabilities and the world that keeps us from sincere growth. Deep down, we are just frightened and scared, seeking a “pillar of strength” that we can trust and hang on to give us that which we know we can’t give ourselves! This step provides us this!        


“Give up all bad qualities in you, banish the ego and develop the spirit of surrender. You will then experience Bliss.”

- Sri Sathya Sai Baba


Surrendering removes us from being the centre of our universe; defusing our self centeredness, pride and egoism as well as extinguishing the flames of our fears, doubt and insecurity. It opens the doors to a power which is greater then our will power. It’s an act of faith and recognition that we don’t have to do it all ourselves, but can actively turn it over the One who truly has the power to bring sincere growth from the inside out, a power we can cooperate with.


Reboot Step Two: LET GO!


LET GO! Yes, simply let go of the “stuff” we have been dragging along with us from the past, from the past year(s)! Imagine getting up from bed everyday with a 200 pound  haversack loaded with rotting potatoes on our backs which we then carry with us the whole day to work and then return home to our loved ones with the same weight, stink and rot! Finally we slump to bed in exhaustion….only to awaken the next day with the same burden! Not a very comforting thought, yes? That’s what holding on to “stuff” does to our soul, to our spirit! 


But, that’s what many of do and THIS keeps us from honoring the commitments we make to ourselves and to others, it keeps our fears and resentment alive, it nourishes our toxic beliefs: keeping us stifled and trapped. This triggers in us frequent emotional “roller coaster” rides!!


“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

- Isaiah 43:18-19


Letting go, on the other hand, stops us from dwelling on past hurts: it gives us the permission to let go of those painful memories, to stop clinging to them while removing painful associations, beliefs, expectations and perceptual filters that we have created out of them: remember  that we and no one else, “create, promote and allow” this to happen! (For more on this, check out my last blog, “Dominion”.) FORGIVE, LOVE YOURSELF and LET GO. This will clear our emotional path and ready us for sincere growth and transformation which can only happen in the NOW, in the present.



It is the doorway for grace, peace, love, healing and possibility to reenter our lives; bringing renewal, excitement and freshness into the horizon of our spirit!    


“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”

- Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free


Reboot Step Three: STOP SULKING!


According to Webster’s Dictionary, ‘to sulk’ is ‘to be in a sullen mood and tend to shun others’. It goes on to define ‘sullen’ as ‘showing ill-humor, as from dwelling upon a grievance’; to be silent and resentful because of a wrong done to one.


The key words here is “dwelling on grievances” that leads us to go on a negative downward spiral, turning negative energy against ourselves, darkening our world: transforming us into pessimistic, sulking zombies!


If there is one thing that can “trigger” us to return to our “old selves”, to abandon “surrender” and “letting go”, it is the habit of sulking!     


“When a (man) gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. He becomes so focused on solving this problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.” – John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus


“When a woman goes into her ‘well’ she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling… She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupported.” – John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus


Why is sulking potentially destructive?



Because whenever an external stimuli, a disruptive experience that mismatches our expectations, is interpreted by us as a personal grievance that’s has the potential to becoming permanent and persuasive in our lives, we start to send our minds in the direction helps us the least – WE BEGIN TO SULK!


We start to resurrect and connect the dots with our past grievances, moan and conclude that “life sucks”, it is not fair and that no matter what we do, we’ll always receive the “short end” of the stick. Then we experience the corresponding painful emotions that such toxic habits of thinking produces!  


“I have the benefit of experience which tells me that sulking solves nothing”

- Cassandra Clare, City of Glass


It pushes us to a place that is least productive, a dark and depressing cave! Now if you want to know what causes “depression”, well its acute sulking taken to a level where it becomes a persons habitual way of thinking, perceiving and behaving which goes on and on in an unending loop: playing the same “horror movies” and dreadful meanings. (For more on this, check out my blog “Rated Z” which was published on the 15th of January 2012)


So, In a nut shell, sulking is a thief that robs and deceives us into thinking that we have nothing good to offer, that our “whole life” has been one major tragedy devoid of any blessing what so ever, that Armageddon is imminent, others are out to “get us” and are more “blesses” and that the Universe is conspiring to give us a “bad day”, everyday!


What then “flies into” our lives are more “emotional pain” and what “flies out” are our commitments, our sense of self esteem, self efficacy and peace of mind. Certainly such habits of thinking will never lead to sincere growth and transformation!  


“When things didn’t go as your plan or back-up plan, don’t sulk. Make new plans! The sun doesn’t stop shining just because of dark clouds.”

- Anonymous


These first 3 steps of the reboot process help us to get reconnected to our true source of power, set aside our ego defenses and introduce humility into our lives: the very ingredients that are the foundations for authentic living and actualizing of our highest and best. They help clear out the old “stuff”, old mental maps and outdated toxic meanings that inevitable get in the way of our commitments. And it teaches us to avoid a potentially destructive habit that can set us back to square one!


These steps can be taken anytime, whenever we feel we need them. They bring us peace and centeredness.  


Once we have done this, we can then proceed to the next step.




Now we are ready to REFOCUS our intentions and attention to the commitments we have made at the start of the year.



What is the best way of doing this? By getting reconnected and engaged with the outcomes of these commitments that we have made.  


We can do so by asking ourselves these questions:


What are the commitments that you have made to yourself?

What would the outcomes of these commitments do for you, give you?

What would it give you that you don’t already have?

How would it enrich your life?

What would that mean for you?

How would you feel is you failed to realize this?


“Always focus on the front windshield and not the review mirror.” 

 -  Colin Powell


Once you have done this, ask yourself:


How would the outcome of your commitments fit in to the kind of person you want to become and be: to your vision, mission, identity, values, beliefs and core meanings about what you believe you are all about?


What would you see, hear and feel when you have realized the outcomes of your commitments?

How would that make you feel?

Imagine experiencing this outcome now…do you like it?

Is there anything you would substitute this for?


If your answer to the last question above is “YES”, then you can simply cancel out that commitment because it really does not matter that much to you…and we all know what happens to such “commitments”: they fail to produce any results simply because they are not real commitments, only wishes or fantasies.    


“There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.”

- Art Turock


If your answer to the question was “NO”, then its time to take the next step: INTEGRATION.


How do you do this? By asking yourself these questions:


What strategies have you set in place to actualize these commitments?

What specific behaviors have you identified that you will take?


Have they been broken down to small “do-abler” baby steps?

Are they easy enough to accomplished OR too difficult, complicated and over achieving?

When will you do them?


How would you know you are making due progress in realizing these commitments? Put these down as your road map markers to measure your progress.


If you face any “set backs” and “challenges”, will be you able to exercise the needed flexibility, resilience and aptitude to adapt, change strategies and remain focused?


“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.”

- Anthony Robbins


When needed, would you be able to freely take the FIRST 3 STEPS mentioned above to “reboot” and remained resolute? (Surrendering, letting go and avoid sulking when faced by resistance, inconveniences and hindrances?)


How would you reward yourself with for taking these steps?

What “rewarding measure” you have set in place to keep you “juiced” and motivated?


Can you share the above with a close friend who could act as your “cheerleader” and hold you accountable to your commitments?


Reboot Step Five: TAKE ACTION!!!


This step is really simple enough; once you have done the above take action, now! Yes, take immediate action and keep taking action to build new and productive habits. Here “take action” is a verb; it’s about taking “actions” repeatedly, consistently and it applies to all the steps above: to surrendering, letting go, avoiding sulking, refocusing and integrating which require “action” for them to bear results.



With out action, they remain merely nice words, clichés that we meaninglessly throw around and which never take root in our lives and produce a rich harvest of sincere growth and transformation.


“To make positive change requires lasting commitment, lasting commitment requires measurable targets, measurable targets requires detailed action plans, detailed action plans requires a goal you desire, desire requires a positive attitude to change your life, and the option to change your life requires WORK.”

- Byron Pulsifer, from Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained


Here’s a secret to the “take action” step, it has another equally important side, much like a coin. What is this side? It is the continual practice of STEP ONE: SURRENDER. As we take massive action, we continue to surrender these actions and their potential results to our Higher Power.


This is the secret to “productive and non stressful” action, of engagement and surrender; unlike the stressful action of trying to control, manipulate and “arm twist” life, circumstances and others. It keeps us sane, grounded and focused on the only thing we have dominion and control over: our attitude, meanings, commitments and behaviors.


“One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is life long can only be surrendered in a lifetime.”

- Elisabeth Elliot


As I sit here putting the finishing touch to this blog, I am reminded again of some of my unfinished business, the steps cited above that I am and will need to take daily and the outcomes of the commitment that I have made for the year and for life. I have come to realize that both of these are connected, related and intertwined. One is the true foundation on which the other is built on: THE REBOOT STEPS AND THE COMMITMENTS THAT I HAVE MADE: both give the other life and expression. The “melting pot” that generates the results of the synergy of both of these is SINCERE GROWTH and transformation: WHICH IS OUR TRUE CALL AND VOCATION IN THIS SCHOOL CALLED LIFE!


“It takes a deep commitment to change and an even deeper commitment to grow.”

- Ralph Ellison


I do hope this music video inspires you to keep faithful to your commitments and to the path you have chosen; to remain strong and resolute in the face of the challenges that sincere growth brings!


Do take a “pause” or a time out to view it, relax and allow what needs to happen in you to happen and if you need a “reboot” enjoy the process.

Wishing all of you who are celebrating Easter and A HAPPY AND JOYOUS EASTER!

Wishing you new life!             






Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention!


Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner.


Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

 The word “Dominion” conjures ideas of power, influence and absolute control, be it over a situation, a group, another individual, an area or even an outcome. The dictionary defines it as control or the exercise of control; sovereignty, total rule, authority and subject over.  


 This same word appears at the very beginning of the Hebrew Scriptures, “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”(Gn. 1:26)



It also appears, in its synonymous form, in the Quran, “It is He who made the ships subject to you, that they may sail through the sea by His command; and the rivers He has made subject to you. And He made subject to you the sun and the moon, both diligently pursuing their courses; and the night and the day He has made subject to you. And He gives you of all that you ask for.” (Qur’an 14.32-34)


And ever since then, man has quested for dominion not only over the earth and its resources but over each other too! His dominion over the earth, from tree to wild beast, has been barbaric, tilting its ecology dangerously. His quest for dominion over his fellow man is equally relentless and ruthless. From world wars, civil wars, tyrannical suppression and merciless ethnic cleansings to political, economical and religious manipulation and colonialism, man have insidiously craved for it.   


 “Religion, the dominion of the human mind; Property, the dominion of human needs; and Government, the dominion of human conduct, represent the stronghold of man’s enslavement and all the horrors it entails.”

- Emma Goldman


 Where does man get the “permission” to do so?


If the scriptures hands man “dominion” over the earth, it certainly does not give him dominion over his fellow man. If anything, he is required, encouraged and commanded to SERVE his fellow man and any position of leadership or governance is placed strictly in this context. In fact man will be judged according to this “golden rule”…and yet, man seeks dominion over his fellow man; “man” being you and me.  


 If we care to take a closer look at our daily lives, be it in our relationships at the work place, in our immediate or extended family, in an organization or social club, we seek the same dominance, be it overtly or subtly, in a big or small way. Perhaps we may not seek “dominance” but we certainly seek to influence proceedings enough to get things done our way and to meet some, if not all, of our outcomes. I catch myself doing this many times. How about you?


We live in a culture that canonizes the “virtue” of control, of being in charge and having the power to influence others to get what we want. Thousands of seminars and workshops are marketed by the “gurus of influence” to teach us the “secret” to controlling and influencing others and to get the life that we want, the good life: to look good, feel good and have the goods. Many even profess to have the secret to control the universe, to bring it to our knees and be our “genie” that presents us what we want and desire. Don’t most of us desire such power, to have things go just the way we want them to go?




“Nothing is more gratifying to the mind of man than power or dominion.”

- Joseph Addison


It provides us the illusion that this “control and dominion” will solve all our problems, remove our hurts, gain us our dreams, medicate our dysfunctional habits and liquidate our limiting beliefs. The “solution” to our “pain” or “issues” lies out there: with someone we admire, dislike, blame, hate, and feel victimized by or who we need to gain some measure of revenge, retribution and repentance: having dominion will gain us this.      




Because we are seduced by the rumor that if we were to have total control and dominion over our externals, be it events, circumstances, the opinions of others, their thinking, choices, decisions and actions, we would be able to be happier, be more effective, productive, be pain free and get what we want, when we want it and the way we want it. Somehow believing that what is outside us, is the “creator” of our well being, sanity and happiness.    


“Everybody thinks of changing humanity, but nobody thinks of changing himself.”

- Leo Tolstoy


Have we not labored tirelessly to this end? Struggled constantly, lived in a state of stress and tension, desperately trying to have some measure of control and dominion?


Has it not kept us distracted, away from the only place where our true power and dominion lies, the place where we can effect change, be pain free, determine our happiness and peace of mind? The place where we can be a co creator, enjoying dominion over the very source and resources that can change our world….our very selves! If ever we are required to have “dominion” over any human person, that person is our very selves!




Because the ultimate source of power lies within us and questing to have dominion over it ensures us our own well being, the well being of other and right stewardship over the earth…a power given to us by our Creator. 


“There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority and control, your mind and your mouth”

- African Proverb


What is this “ultimate source” of power?


The freedom and right to create our own beliefs, attitudes, values, understandings, direction, rules, likes and dislikes. It’s called our personal power which lies in the FOUR prime faculties given to us and by which we use to mould and create our inner reality: the power of thought – thinking, speech – words, emotion – feelings and action – behavior. When these powers are synergize, they produces the most potent power that can change anything, the power of CHOICE. These are the powers of “creation” given to us by our Creator as co-creators.    



“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence,
but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”

- Anna Freud, Austrian psychologist


Abdication of personal power.


The sad truth however is that most of us choose not to exercise dominion over these powers of our internal reality. Instead we choose to play the “power-less” game of wanting to have dominion, influence and mastery over everything external “out there” in order to create our own peace of mind, well being, self esteem, meaning, fulfillment, happiness, etc. Then when we are unable to do so, we resort to playing the blame game, the helplessness game, the “you are responsible” for my feelings and well being game, “the world just does not care for me” game, “people owe me” game, “life is not fair” game, “God does not love me” game, etc.


Whatever these games may be, they all have one thing in common: their primary focus is on “power failure”, ones failure to recognize where ones true power lies, in oneself, in having the freedom and choice to CREATE the attitudes and beliefs that serve us from the inside out. The irony however is that we use these very powers, unawares, to create the very “games” that work against us…all because we fail to have dominion over them. 


“You can have no dominion greater or less than that over yourself.”

 - Leonardo da Vinci


Abdication of peace of mind and well being.  


Most of us are unaware that everything in our lives is the result of something we have created by a specific action (be it the creation of a thought, a limiting belief, presupposition, expectation, rules, understanding, etc.) promoted it by some other kind or type of action or allowed to come into existence by the absence of an action or by some other means. “The words are create, promote and allow” (“Authenticity” by George & Sedena Cappannelli)


I love the description given above by George and Sedena Cappanelli, the words “create, promote and allow” which describes the way, the mechanism or modus operandi by which we use our “personal power” to create our own “ill” when we fail to have dominion over them.


“To the question of your life you are the answer,
and to the problems of your life you are the solution.”

- Joe Cordare


Just stop for a moment and ask yourself, aren’t most of our problem “created” by us, by the way we have represented an “experience”; interpreted it and created a limiting belief or beliefs about ourselves, our worth, potential and capability from this very interpretation? We then form further limiting beliefs about others, the world, work, family, love, our future, God, etc from this set of beliefs.



Once done so, we take it to the “next level” by promoting limiting expectations and rules from these beliefs which generate a restricted way of thinking, feeling, talking and behaving. Finally we allow it to be perpetuated by habitually dwelling on them while avoiding any evidence or information that may invalidate our “sacredly held” limiting beliefs, defending and justifying them while playing the “blame”, “you are responsible for my well being” or “I’m helpless” game.  


“Ninety per cent of the world’s woe comes from people not knowing themselves, their abilities, their frailties, and even their real virtues. Most of us go almost all the way through life as complete strangers to ourselves — so how can we know anyone else?”

-Sidney J. Harris


Projection: the source of our illusion.  


Once we have done this, we then “project it out” into the world, into the external reality, and then try our best to control and have dominion over the external reality to avoid the pain that we believe “it brings us” or access the “pleasure” it owes us.


“Be careful – the darkness you see in another’s heart might just be a reflection of that which is in your own heart”

- Teachings of theTemple


We use these “projected reality” as our perceptual filters to view and interpret everything that happens externally, unaware that it’s our perceptual filters, and not what’s happening out there, that is either bringing us pain or pleasure: our meanings, beliefs, expectations, rules, understandings, etc. which we have created by the mechanism of “create, promote and allow”!



“Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.”

- Zen Proverb


The good news!


The good news however is that we can use this same mechanism to embark on the adventure and quest to have dominion over that which we are supposed to have dominion and mastery over: our very selves!


What are we specifically called to have dominion over? Our beliefs, attitudes, feelings, understandings, conclusions, rules, expectations, etc., in short everything that is happening inside us, in our entire neurology! It is this domain that we have the capability, resources and mandate to be in charge of and enjoy dominion!  


 “Your real self – the ”I am I” – is master of this land, the ruler of this empire. You rightfully have power and dominion over it, all its inhabitants, and all contained in its realm.”

 - Robert Collier


That is our real mission and calling, to break through the illusion that we need to have dominion over others in order to be happy. If we choose to remain in the “control of others” game, we can be assured of a life of constant tension, stress, distraction, blame, helplessness, and pain….and it never will stop because it’s just not possible! If we choose to have dominion over ourselves, we will begin a journey to authenticity, claiming our powers to accept responsibility for our own well being, unleashing our full potential and creating the attitudes and beliefs that serve us well from the inside out, while remaining sane and emotionally free!  



 “No one is more interesting to anybody than is that
mysterious character we all call me, which is why
self-liberation, self-actualization, self-transcendence,
etc., are the most exciting games in town.”

- Robert Wilson


Come, join me in this adventure!  


I hope you’ll “reflectively enjoy” this clip from the movie Rocky, talking about the “stuff in the basement” and his struggle to have dominion over it: a great metaphor of our quest for dominion over our very selves!            


Rocky Balboa – Stuff In The Basement (Subtitles Available)



Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA fromGordon University,Illinois,USA.


“C 4″

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

Have you ever had one of those days when “suddenly”, for no apparent reason, you experienced an “emotional melt down”? When you felt power–less, insecure, unsure and filled with self doubt and self recrimination all at once?  When old toxic beliefs, understandings and memories flooded your awareness and your body got “locked down” with the corresponding painful emotions?


Have you had one of those days?


I call them “C 4” experiences. Why? Simply because C 4 is a kind of plastic explosive used frequently in the military which, when detonated, produces a nasty explosion with devastating effects….much like an “emotional melt down” experience!



I had one of those days last week. I was on my way to a business meting with a client when “suddenly” while driving, something in me triggered a “C 4” experience! Boom! My mind began to spiral downwards with self doubts and toxic self beliefs; old memories of “failures” and limitations began playing in my mind as “evidence” as the volume of my self recriminating self talk became excruciatingly deafening! In an instant, I became emotionally flooded with pain!


“What holds you back? For most of us, it’s those “dangerous conversations” we have with ourselves.”

 - Suzanne Falter-Barns


The funny thing about such “C 4” experiences is that they tend to keep spiraling downward and at the same time keep looping, much like an “auto replay” function on our stereo equipment: we go round and round with the same toxic thought and emotions. We get caught in “muddle” and the more we try to get out of it, the more strongly its hold! Exhausting! 



“When negative self-talk robs us of our enthusiasm for our dreams, we’re suffering from the classic creative block… Self-criticism can seriously injure potential talent that wants to be expressed.”

- Douglas Eby


Have you had such “C 4” experiences?


Here’s the thing with such experiences…everyone has them! Yes, everyone. The key however is developing the ability to master them by being able to get out of such “negative mental loops”, “muddles” or “C 4” experiences.


How can we do this?


1) Develop and keep developing a high level of CONSCIOUSNESS.


Firstly, consciousness is not “thinking” or “thinking about our thinking”. It is a state of awareness, of being “awake” and observing our mental thoughts in the present: being in the “now”. It is the ability to take a “mental step back”, observe and witness our thoughts and emotions in a non judgmental or self recriminating way.


This can be easily be learned and done.


Stop right now and ask yourself what are you thinking and feeling at that very second.


Go on, try it.


Simple enough, right?


Well what you find out, that which you have been thinking about, might amaze or even surprise you as most of us are on “auto-pilot”. We have so many cognitive habits, distractions and noise in our lives that’s it’s important to “check in” with our inner self and become conscious of them, conscious of the mental map out of which we are functioning from. So keep practicing this simple technique: “stepping back”, observing and witnessing our thoughts. 


“The only mistake that we can make as human beings is to be asleep, unaware of ourselves.”

- Guy Finley


When you learn to develop higher levels of consciousness, you’ll be able to stop yourself before you ever get into one of those “C 4” experiences and gently stepping out of our old habits of thinking!


It is here that two powerful Neuro Semantic NLP presuppositions come into play: “Our mental maps are not the territory (reality), it is but a map, a symbolic representation of the territory. And we respond according to our map(s) of reality, not reality”. This simple technique helps us become aware of our old maps and to step out of them.     


“No truly conscious human being sabotages himself – it’s impossible, because it’s contrary to Nature.”

- Guy Finley


2) Avoid “labeling” yourself for having a “C 4” experience.


The problem is never the problem. It is the way we have interpreted the problem, the experience, and labeled ourselves, that makes the “problem” a problem! Once we say to ourselves, “I such a hopeless person…..I just hate it when this happens…I must get my self out of this stupid crap”, we are providing the “muddle” with more mental energy to perpetuate itself.


Remember the Neuro Semantic NLP presupposition: “Energy flows where attention goes as directed by intention”. Whenever we “label” an experience, we channel attention to it and the “label” used provides the intentional energy. Example; when we “label” the “muddle” as “crap” and ourselves as “hopeless” we give it the energy of “attention” and the command to “get myself out of this crap” gives it the power of intention…the perfect combination for creating internal conflict!


When you feel down; make a point to say JUST THAT:  I feel down. When something negative rolls into your life, label it as the intruder, not yourself as its victim….labels stick – so be very, very careful how you label yourself.”

- Author Unknown


Learning not to label ourselves or our experiences is another key that will help reduce “C 4” experiences simply by cutting off its “power supply” provided by attention and intention.




3) Develop and maintain a high sense of self acceptance, self appreciation and love.


This is the ultimate source of our personal power, equilibrium and unlimited possibility. Personal power here is in reference to our “inner sense of strength” that cannot be taken away, that’s inherent in us and which flows form self love. Its source is from our dignity and esteem in being created in the image of God, being created with all the resources to be successful, uniquely us and unrepeatable. We need to learn to fall in love again with this true self: this is true personal power!


“Only when I was able to accept myself unconditionally was I able to truly love.”

- Alison Stormwolf


Two Neuro Semantic NLP presuppositions echo this truth: “People have all the resources they need: they just need to access, strengthen and sequence them. And there’s an abundance of personal resources, plenty for all”.     


“Look into your own eyes and say “Yes, I am a good person.”

- Alison Stormwolf


Money, reputation, and possessions have no personal power because they can disappear anytime. Nor can good looks count, since they can easily be “disfigured” by time, aging, injury, or illness. Even ones skills and abilities; how well you speak, do business, cook, handle finances, play sports, negotiate big deals in sales, teach, etc. can be lost, destroyed or stolen by circumstance. These are “false” powers.


“I cried out in the pain of my dark night for mercy. He told me, “Love yourself.”

- Alison Stormwolf


Stop now and attempt to do this simple exercise, honestly ask yourself: 


Do you REALLY love yourself unconditionally?

Do you treat yourself as kindly as you would a stranger or a friend?

Are you able to extend to yourself a deep sense of acceptance, appreciation, forgiveness, compassion, understanding and generous forbearance: willing to explore your possibilities, follow your heart, trust your intuition and claim your true power owning you?  


“Loving myself has been such a challenge.”

- Alison Stormwolf


The constant practice of self acceptance, appreciation and love, coupled with a high level of consciousness, the ability to mentally step back and witnessing our thoughts in a non judgmental way, and not labeling our experiences or ourselves are the very ingredients that from the “magic spell” that eventually removes old habits of self sabotage, our “C 4” experiences; providing us with the antidote to get us out of such spirals and “muddles”.   



Here’s a simple pattern we can use whenever we get caught in a “C 4” experience:        


1.  Accept what I’m feeling. I gently step back and just witness these thought and feeling, comforting and loving myself. Yes, it can seem scary but its just old patterns of thoughts, doubts, fears and emotions: Just Old Maps. 


2. I don’t label the experience or myself. They are only emotions and emotions are neither right nor wrong. I allow it to just slide away. I remember that they only hurt me when I give into them; giving them the power of my attention and intention.  



“The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white.  Neither need you do anything but be yourself.”

- Lao-Tzu


3. I turn my attention to the power within me, to whom I really am. I practice self acceptance, appreciation and love. I am my greatest gift and source of real power.  


4. I access my vision of my life as I really want it – LOOK AT WHERE I WANT TO BE – my empowering beliefs, imagination, meanings and positive emotions that come with them. (For more information on how to create a compelling outcome for yourself and to be solution focused, check out my recent blog, “Vinegar or Honey”.)  


5. I access these positive emotions, amplify them and step into them NOW; I being to experience them in the most powerful way, seeing what I am seeing, feeling what I am feeling and hearing what I am hearing.


“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.”

-Yogi Bhajan


6. Take action that supports my new beliefs to stay present in my own personal power. Staying fully empowered in the NOW.


Now, once you get a hang of the above, you can start to get creative in interrupting your “C 4” experiences and patterns of thinking. You can do it with any kind of “crazy” unexpected or sudden movements or response. Imagine being a “pest” to someone who is trying to tell you a story by constantly interrupting him by asking “stupid” questions, making funny noises, getting up and dancing, slamming a door, tapping a tune with your finger tips or whistling a nursery rhyme so much so the person just can’t continue or remember what he she wanted to say in the first place!



“And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.”

- Murray Walker


Well, you can get that creative with yourself and interrupt your old pattern or strategy of thinking that puts you in a unresourceful “C 4” state/experience. Some of the things that you can do to interrupt your states can be humor and laughter, choosing to see the funny side of things, which can be an awesome “C 4” stopper. Recalling a fast beat tune and singing it loud, going for a walk, changing your physical posture (suddenly standing up, moving to a different location or even stretching) can also serve as effective interrupters.


Almost every person experiences “C 4” experiences. Most of the time, they act like an “echo” of our old negative patterns of thinking and feeling that have become bad cognitive habits. Habits can be useful, they put our brains on “auto pilot”, meaning that it become so efficient that it become an unconscious pattern; leaving our conscious mind “free” to focus else where. Habits, however, can be “bad news” when it comes to our old negative patterns of thinking and feeling; producing in us “C 4” experiences that seem to “suddenly” descends on us and “grab” us by the throat!


“It’s been quite a ‘pattern interrupt’, a massive change of the old programming.”

- Kenny Loggins


The 3 principles explained above coupled with the 6 step pattern and the examples of interrupts can help not only to manage such experiences but to eventually replace them with new resourceful habits of thinking, believing and feeling. Blow away your “C 4” experiences with these strategies and start running your own brains!




“When people believe in themselves they have the first secret of success.”

-  Norman Vincent Peale


I hope you enjoy this short humorous clip, a “perfect” example of how “interrupts” can restore our sanity! Have fun!    




Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA fromGordon University,Illinois,USA.




“Acid Rain”

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

I will never forget that year, 1996. It began with someone who I knew well being called a “hero” and it ended with him being “crucified”, “hated” and emotionally stoned; labeled a “public sinner” and a religious pariah. He was a nice bloke who served the church, in the full time ministry, as a priest. Enthusiastic, idealistic and motivated, he wore his heart on his sleeves and gave his heart and soul to his ministry. Folks simply loved what he was doing, the “freshness” he brought. And they embraced him with love, respect and admiration.


Months later he decided, due to personal reasons to leave the ministry. He informed his “flock”, hoped that they would understand his decision and made his “leaving” as transparent and open as possible. Nonetheless, in an instant, things changed; folks who had been his friends, his “flock”, turned into a frenzied derogating mob; unleashing a barrage of vicious, cruel and malicious accusations about him, his decision and character! Rumors and gossip began spreading, poisoned with lustful anger, condemnation and rage; significantly distorted by their own shadows and dark imagination.     



“He left the ministry because of a girl. God will punish the bitch.”

“He left because he had an affair.”

“He left because he had a misunderstanding with his superior, his Bishop.”

“He left because he lacked the character to carry on.”

“He is a shame to his family, a traitor to his faith and God!”

“He is a disgrace to the church and to us.”

“He was never that good after all, he was too arrogant and proud.”

“I always knew that he was a fake”, nobody can be “that good”.”

“He is totally wrong and will live to regret his decision.”

“His parents must be destroyed by his decision, God will surely punish him.”

“His is a disgrace, a sinner and a source of scandal.”

“He will be excommunicated by the church and will find no peace.”


“Gossip separates close friends.”

-Proverbs 16:28


As months moved on, these vicious rumors became the judgment laid upon his name and character. Even today, such rumblings can be heard, 15 years later. The injustice of these rumors and gossip was that they were never true. And how would I know, you may ask? Well, I’ll answer that question at the end of this blog.    


The point I’m trying to make is that our words carry tremendous power and we often abuse its power by spreading rumors, creating crippling gossip and ill informed judgments that destroy trust and spoil reputations. We use it with dark “creativity and innovation” to smear others with guilt, shame and ill repute: deliciously salivating between the sheer pleasure of spreading such “juicy poison” and being seen as the “preferred broker” of such information. Like “acid rain”, our words rain down destruction that ruthlessly quenches the human spirit!



“Gossip is a type of verbal terrorism. To destroy somebody’s good name is to commit a kind of murder.”

- Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, “Words that hurt, words that heal”


 Why do words hold such power?


Because we a neuro linguistic class of life; the human species uses words and its different symbols as a way to represent reality, the world out there, to itself, making “maps” of it. (But they are never “the” totality of reality or the truth!) Words, language, linguistics and semantics are the very symbols by which we think, reason, imagine, figure things out, communicate, discover, innovate, live, educate, FIND MEANING and pass on information from one person to another, from one generation to another. Being made in the image of God, who used the WORD to create the world, we share in its power to create and give life or destroy and kill, to be fresh rain or “acid rain”!


“Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.”

-Eric Idle, Comedian


 The gossip difference: what differentiates rain from “acid rain?”


Gossip is distinguished from sharing information at the level of intent. Folks who gossip often have the goal of building themselves up by making others look and exalting themselves as the broker of “insider information”. And the types of information shared by them have to do with the faults and failings of others: including potentially embarrassing or shameful details, hence the term “talebearer” or “scandal-monger”.  



“Words, so innocent and powerless…when standing in a dictionary, how potent for good or evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”

-Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)


Victims of “acid rain”……


We all have been victims of “acid rain”. Need proof? Allow me to ask; don’t some of our deepest pains come from hurtful words? Words that were either directly said to us or that was spread behind our backs and which eventually reached our ears? How did it make you feel? What emotions did it create in you? What memories, thought and beliefs did it burn into your mind and body? How did it effect you spirit? Did it bring inspiration or desolation? Did it unleash you or keep you leashed to the cruelty and hurt it brought?


“Words have a longer life than deeds”.

- Pindar, (522 BC – 443 BC)


Have you not been a victim of such “attacks” from loved ones, family members and friends which have left your reputation disfigured and maimed?


Perhaps this story will make help make this point clear….


A man in a small village was a terrible gossiper, always telling stories about his neighbors, even if he didn’t know them. Wanting to change, he visited the Rabbi for advice. The Rabbi instructed him to buy a fresh chicken at the local market and bring it back to him (the Rabbi) as quickly as possible, plucking off every single feather as he ran. Not one feather was to remain.


The man did as he was told, plucking as he ran and throwing the feathers every which way until not a feather remained. He handed the bare chicken over to the Rabbi, who then asked the man to go back and gather together all the feathers he had plucked and bring them back.


The man protested that this was impossible as the wind must have carried those feathers in every direction and he could never find them all. The Rabbi said, “That’s true. And that’s how it is with gossip. One rumor can fly to many corners, and how could you retrieve it? Better not to speak gossip in the first place!” And the Rabbi sent the man home to apologize to his neighbors, and to repent.

(The Gossip, a midrash as retold by Marcia Lane, found in Spinning Tales, Weaving Hope: Stories, Storytelling, and Activities for Peace, Justice and the Environment.)


 “Acid Rain” on global proportions……


Today there seems to be a huge and lucrative “Gossip Economy” that thrives on the fabrication, distortion, deletion and generalization of information, professional “acid rain” makers, who sensationalize them in magazines, tabloids, newspapers and a host of other media channels. Folks who mindlessly abuse “the power of the word”, seeding clouds of deceitful and malicious “acid rain” in global proportions; ruining marriages, bring down economies, send share markets reeling, start a revolution or a war that causes millions to suffer.


Didn’t the US go to war with Sadam Hussein because of the “rumor” of WMD’s?

Don’t the paparazzi make a living out of “acid rain” making or cloud seeding?

Have you not jumped into your car to race to the nearest petrol pump to top up on fuel because of a rumor?  


Rabbis, priests, ministers, mullahs abuse this power: influencing public opinion, causing schism, starting revolutions and religious wars while embedding judgmental filters in the hearts and minds of their believers. Each proclaiming to know the “ultimate truth”, owning the road to salvation and yielding the power of their god; raining toxic “acid rain” that fragments society, divides, segregates and alienate all in the name of the SACRED ONE,  their church, sect or denomination.


Have not folks wrapped themselves with explosives and blown themselves up because of a rumor?

Have not religious and sectarian riots been sparked by a rumor?

Have not brother kill brother because of a rumor?


“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.”

-Dale Carnegie


 The “biggest” rumor….


Now biggest rumor of all is that we believe these rumors, even though we have been its victim! We all are “acid rain” makers! We buy these tabloids, magazines; indulge in trash talk, and make private information public. We become master editors of information, small talk, hearsay, chitchat and news-mongering about the affairs of others, their weaknesses and shortcomings.


We gossip to feel good about ourselves and get an ego stroke from the “down fall”, sins and mistakes of others. We love to hear dirt on others, add on to it and repeat it. It makes us feel superior, drawing others into our own hurt and anger, jealousy and envy….unleashing “acid rain”!


Even if we say it’s true or “all in good fun”, it does not justify unnecessarily passing on hurtful information about someone. Gossip has never helped a victim or solved a problem because as it passed on from one person to another much like a vicious mantra; it becomes an “independent entity”, an “urban legend” or “judgment label” that is permanently burned unto the character of the person gossiped about.       



“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

- Proverbs 12:18


“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul, health to the bones”

- Proverbs 16:24


Perhaps it is “fun” to read, listen and to gossip about others…..until of course it is about us. Have you not been on the receiving end of such rumors and gossip? Yet, why do we still do it?


Is it because we do not know better, have no direction or “teaching” on the destructive power of malicious talk?


Islam considers “back biting” the equivalent of eating the flesh of one’s dead brother. According to Muslims, backbiting harms its victims without offering them any chance of defense, just as dead people cannot defend against their flesh being eaten. Muslims are expected to treat each other like brothers, deriving from Islam’s concept of brotherhood amongst its believers. (Source Wikipedia)


Judaism considers gossip spoken without a constructive purpose (known in Hebrew as an evil tongue, “lashon hara”) as a sin. Speaking negatively about people, even if retelling true facts, counts as sinful, as it demeans the dignity of man — both the speaker and the subject of the gossip. (Source Wikipedia)


Buddhism speaks of right thought, right speech, right behavior, right livelihood and right action. 


Christianity, in the Epistle to the Romans associates gossips or backbiters with a list of sins including sexual immorality and murder.


If someone paid us 1 dollar for every kind word we said about people, and collected 50 cents for every unkind word, would we be rich or poor?


“Kind words can warm for three winters,

while harsh words can chill even in the heat of summer.”

-Chinese proverb


Do our words lift and inspire, or do they destroy?



Perhaps this story will help us make better use of the power of our words. 


In ancient Greece(469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”


Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”


“Triple filter?”


“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”


“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”


“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”


“No, on the contrary…”


“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”


The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.


Socrates continued. “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”


“No, not really…”


“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”



The man was defeated and ashamed.


“By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.”

- Sir Winston Churchill


Perhaps we all need to take the “Triple Filter Test” before ever thinking of starting or spreading rumors, gossip, belittling talk or derogatory chatter: ever before thinking of creating acid rain”.


Now to answer that question, “How did I know that all the accusations and malicious talk made against my friend above was not true?”

 Because that person was me. 


“My Name Is Gossip.

 I have no respect for justice.

 I am without killing.

I break hearts and ruin lives.

 I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.


The more I am quoted the more I am believed.

 I flourish at every level of society.

My victims are helpless.

They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.


To track me down is impossible.

The harder you try, the more elusive I become. I am nobody’s friend.

Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.

I topple governments and ruin marriages.

 I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartache and indigestion.

I spawn suspicion and generate grief.


I make innocent people cry in their pillows.

 Even my name hisses.


- Author Unknown


Andy Griffith Gossip




Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention!


Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics, USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA from Gordon University, Illinois,USA.


“Vinegar or Honey”

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

Last weekend I met an old friend at one of my trainings. The last time we met was about 2 years ago. She looked very much the same and as we exchanged pleasantries, she brought up an issue that we had discussed the last time we met; her difficulty and struggle in speaking English. She began telling me how hard it had been, her difficulty in understanding the vocabulary, her struggle with the tenses, her cultural background and studies that worked against her (she lived in a home that spoke only Chinese and did her primary and secondary education in the same medium), how she had faired poorly in her past English examinations and the fact that she still found it hard to “think” in English ( meaning that she thought in Chinese and then literally translate it in to English, making it “English sounding Chinese”). She concluded by saying, “I will never be able to speak English as well as you. I’m just not able.” 


As I listened to her, I was amused as how little things had changed since the last time we spoke about her “struggle” and devised strategies to help her improve. She seemed “frozen” in her struggle, unable to make any significant changes. What was more alarming was the self limiting belief that she had constructed about her ability to speak good English: “I will never be able to speak English as well as you. I’m just not able.”


So I inquire if she had carried out some of the strategies we last discussed. She said that she had initially done so but soon stopped because she believe that her “handicap” was much too “big” to over come. She felt that it had become “a part” of who she was. In such a state, there was little possibility for her to make any progress.


Allow me to ask, was her “real hang up” her lack of talent, her cultural and linguistic background, her “skill and strategy gap” or her weak intent to improve and speak better English? What do you think? I believe not, as there are many folks in similar circumstances who have learned to speak the language fluently. Her real problem was her unconscious habit of being problem focused: becoming an expert in her problem and all its varying dimensions and this habit produced for her the “evidence” to believe that her problem was her “permanent reality”- turning it into a self limiting belief. In other words, she made her problem part of her “life script”, a daily unconscious narrative that she told herself while every little set back became more evidence that affirmed her limiting self belief!  



“Focus on the solution, not on the problem.”

- Jim Rohn


Are we not in some way like my dear friend, experts of our problems, difficulties and struggles? Unconscious of our “unconscious competence” of being problem focused which produces the “evidence” needed to from limiting self beliefs? Habits that keep us tapped in our “problem focused – ness”, making us experts in creating our very own pungent “cognitive emotional vinegar”;   and then soaking in it our heart, our potential, our abilities, possibilities, talents and very future, believing the lie that “I’m just not able”!



“The way we see the problem is the problem”

-Stephen R. Covey


We developed such “competencies” simply because we live in circumstances, a culture, where “problems” have always been the main focus of attention, not necessarily the solution. We may have been brought up in a family where, on one hand little emphasis was put on reinforcing our strengths, gifts and talents and on the other, major emphasis on our weaknesses, “failings”, “oddities”, “inabilities”, insecurities and handicaps: a culture of “insecure comparison” which influenced our habits of thinking and perceiving .  Thus turning us into “problem focused” magnets, experts of our struggles, weaknesses and limitations; being seduced by its endless and exhausting destructive mental loops that drive us “insane”!   


We read books by “experts” on how things “should be” or are suppose to work, literature that highlights the lacks and gaps and which “over powers” us into passively accepting their explanations of “what is wrong” with us: nailing us shut in a passive and helpless role, locked into a problem narrative that we learn to rehearse over and over again, enhancing our problem focused competency!


“We were trained to look at the grades on our report card, rather than focus on the image of the grade we desired. We learned to let our results control our thinking instead of the other way around.”

-The Law of Attraction


Consequently, we developed the “unconscious competence” of focusing on what’s lacking, missing, absent, loss and wrong. We become experts on what we suffer and struggle with; we imbibe their negative presuppositions and then form limiting and toxic self beliefs which keep us locked in our own “troubled little world”. Highly skilled practitioners of our very own “cognitive emotional terrorism” and sabotage, proficient in knowing what is wrong with us, why we will most probably remain “wrong” and how, no matter what we do, our efforts will “always” remain futile; turning us into emotional zombies!



“Without the discipline of guarding the mind, what use are any other disciplines?”



 - Are you faced with similar issues? What is one of your pet “problems”, weakness and the limiting self belief(s) you have created behind it?    

- Do you have lots of “cognitive emotional vinegar” in your life, soaking up your potential and the possibilities for the future: keeping you leashed?

- Are you an expert in making your very own “cognitive emotional vinegar”?  



So what’s the solution? Being solution minded and developing a solution frame of mind. And how does one do that? By learning to focus on the “honey”, on what we WANT and PASSIONATELY DESIRE, not on what we don’t want or want to avoid!


Yes, it’s really quite simple, knowing what we want and learning to focus on what we want: soaking ourselves in its “honey”. This can be a pretty uncomfortable thing for many of us to do; nonetheless it’s a competency that we can develop, a competency that pays dividends in unleashing our highest and best, transforming us into what we truly desire to be, do and have.


The theory that we have to know our problems fully and entirely before we solve them is not true. In fact, on the contrary, when we delve too much on them, we become stuck in a “problem focused” mindset. Being solution focused, on the other hand, even if does not look like a fit to resolve the problem, is sufficient, as a small enough change is all that’s needed to send our negative way of thinking into a new and different direction.



“Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams.”



The transformative power behind such “focused-ness” lies in these 3 simple facts:


- It switches our focus off of what’s wrong and onto what’s right, stressing the resources and skills that we already have. It’s not about what’s missing and causes woe, but what’s present and can lead to happiness. This releases a different kind of energy within us, one that’s positive and embracing.


“We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish.”

- Anthony Robbins


- With a solution focused frame of mind, our entire neurology becomes “solution focused”; positively effecting our self beliefs and meaning frames, our internal dialogue which shapes our inner emotional states and our thinking patterns, unleashing creativity and possibility thinking.


“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.”

- Denis Waitley


- It maintain a future “ focused-ness”, enabling us to see with solution-seeing eyes, hear with solution-hearing ears and feel with solution-feeling emotions. This simply means we being to live with a new sense of enthusiasm, energy and passion, living for WHAT WE WANT that induces change with in us without activating the forces that prevents this change or triggering thoughts that may nullify it.          


“The past doesn’t equal the future.”

- Anthony Robbins


 So, what do you prefer: the vinegar or the honey?


 If it’s the “honey” that you want, then the following pattern can help you cultivate a new and empowering competency: the ability to know what you want, focus on it and to behave in ways that actualize it, one small step at the time. It’s about developing a solution frame of mind and behavior.  Here we go…



- What is it that YOU WANT? Answer this question in the positive, by stating what you want or want more of in your life and not what you don’t want or has stopped us. What we focus on increases in our life, that’s the power of this question, so become an expert on what you want!


“Goals provide the energy source that powers our lives. One of the best ways we can get the most from the energy we have is to focus it. That is what goals can do for us; concentrate our energy.”

- Denis Waitley


- How will you know you have got it? Make it specific and measurable: what will you be seeing, hearing and feeling when you have got what you want? The answer to this question places us in the very place we want to be, “going there first” is what positive visualization is all about. Remember, make it specific and make it a “knowing” and get those details in.


- Can it be initiated and maintained by you? This is critical because if what we want lies in the powers, opinions and decision of other, we’ll be caught in a helpless pool of futility. We are more likely to achieve what we want when we ourselves can initiate and maintain positive action and steps towards it. Empower yourself by taking responsibility and ownership of what you want! You are worth it!



“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”

-Albert Ellis


- Where and when do you want it? Ensure you know this so that you keep what you want real. Put a time line on it, tie it down and make it target! Anchor it!


- Does it keep the positive aspects of your current situations? If what we want somehow robs us of something which our current situation gives us, something that we value, we will unconsciously sabotage our efforts. So ensure it provides the “key empowering benefits” that your current situation delivers but do not make excuses to remain in your comfort zone. 


- It there anything you might loose as a result of getting what you want? This simply means that its positive consequences, of what you want, far outweighs the current negative consequences and is alignment with your sense of self and of who you really are. Create alignment and remain congruent with your higher values, beliefs, identity and mission.


- How does it effect your wider system?  This simply means if it’s appropriate with all the other aspects of your life, your relationships and socio- emotional- spiritual reality. If there’s a misfit, we will again unconsciously sabotage our efforts. We are social animals and what we want effects the “social and cultural” we live in ecology; so take account of it and if it ecological, move on.    


- What will you do? Make it specific and simple; outline a map of specific actionable steps. Make these sets achievable, simple and realistic, if they are too difficult and intimidating, we’ll procrastinate. Remember, simplicity is the key. Then turn these steps into new behaviors, new habits of acting.  


“If you go to work on your goals, your goals will go to work on you.
If you go to work on your plan, your plan will go to work on you.
Whatever good things we build end up building us.”

- Jim Rohn


- Is there any resources and skills that we may need to achieve our want? Access what you already have and take concrete steps to access what we need. Over and above this, you have to believe and act as though you have the necessary resources to get what you want: this empowers you to perform in the NOW as though you have already achieved what you want.


- Act, act, act! This is really simple, just act on what you have planned above: act on what you want with an intense focus on what you want! This is what having unlimited power is all about and living with a solution focused mindset! Do you not want what you want?


“Most people have no idea of the giant capacity we can immediately command when we focus all of our resources on mastering a single area of our lives.”

- Tony Robbins


   So, what do you prefer: the vinegar or the honey?


Your potential to actualize your highest and best; to express the purpose you were created for, depends on the answer to this question above. We may have become proficient in developing the “unconscious competency” of being problem focused but the price we pay for such habits is way too high and painful. Developing a new and empowering competency; focusing on what we WANT, on being SOLUTION focused, may take some effort but the payback it offers is phenomenal. It is how the “giants” who have gone before us became “giants”!       



“Many are stubborn in the pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in the pursuit of the goal.”

- Nietzche


“Focus your energy on greatness.”

- David DeNotaris


Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention and soon, you’ll be among the few who have behaved differently and made the world a better place; a place of grace, where the impossible is made possible! THINK RADICALLY!     


May you be inspired by the examples that these “giants” left us! Enjoy!


Motivational video “Change your mind in just 2.50 mins”


Stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.


Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company inMalaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA fromGordon University,Illinois,USA.

The P&L of a Blessing

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

Most of us know the meaning of the abbreviation “P & L”.  It simply means “profit and loss” and in business circles it plays a very important role; it indicates the sum total of the revenue, costs and expenses incurred during a specific period of time. In simple terms it’s an income and expenses statement, how much you have spent, given out and how much you have got back, profited. The more the profit outweighs the `expenses and cost, the more profitable is a business. The opposite, on the other hand, simply means that the business is not profitable and is running at a loss.


Now, what is the P & L of a blessing, a gift? For me a blessing is also a gift and a gift is also a blessing, both serves as a symbol of gracing someone with the wishes of good health, a good future, good opportunities, prosperity, happiness, etc. So, what is the P & L of a blessing, gift? Strange question, you may ask. But that’s precisely the point…..it’s a strange but real question that most folks ask or have in mind when they are buying someone a gift; “What’s the P & L of this blessing, this gift?”  



Last weekend my wife and I celebrated the Chinese Lunar New Year and one of the customs practiced during this celebration is the giving of “Ang Pow’s”, which in Chinese means “red envelope or packet”. The packet’s color is to ward off evil spirits and symbolizes the giving of good luck for the coming New Year. What’s put inside is a monetary gift, most of the time in even digits; odd numbered amounts are avoided. Who receives these “Ang Pow’s”? Unmarried folks and ones parents, grand parents or grand aunties (or elderly folks): folks who bear significant emotional significance to the giver. Once one gets married, one is no longer entitled to receive but is now required to give! So, my wife and I fall into the category of “givers”…our receiving days have long since passed.


So on the first day of the Dragon New Year something happened that caught my attention. One of my relatives was going around distributing “Ang Pow’s” when she came to a young man who is soon to be married and she told him authoritatively, “This is your last year to get from me. Next year you’ll be married and you must now give, pay back for all the years you have been receiving. Wow, I pity you, so much you’ll have to give!” You can guess the look on this young man’s. He received the red packed with a “put on smile”, similar to the ones we see news casters or presenters wear when they are on the late night shift. Once the giver had moved away, his “put on smile” was replaced with a look of disgust.



“You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.”

- Author Unknown


I felt a tone of sadness for this young man. Here was an occasion for blessing one another with good wishes, blessings and gifts but it turned sour for him because the “P & L” factor of a blessing, a gift was brought into account! For him, “pay back” time was just around the corner and soon the “Lunar New Year” may just turn out to be a “dreadful celebration” that is no longer joyously anticipated! My wife and I were in a similar situation years ago…the same thing was told to us the year before we got married; some of the “givers” reminded us that “pay back” time was around the corner and that the “P & L” of blessing given over the years will be brought into account!  


So, here’s that strange question again: “What’s the P & L of a blessing, a gift?”


Most folks do ask this question and would have done the math to calculate the “P & L” of their gift giving in such a way that they would get some returns; be it with a gift, a sense of being viewed by the receiver as being someone generous and benevolent and impressing upon the receiver ones economic and social standing or even to satisfy the “guilt” or “obligation” to follow the “family rules” of giving back to someone a gift that has been received or “compulsory” giving to an “elder” who everybody seems to give which results in the payback of “acceptance” and “inclusion”.


Some on the other hand have mastered the “P & L” game of gift giving very well, measuring the amount they will have to give in contrast to the returns they will receive with precision. For example, a friend of mine told when I got married to “make plenty of children” so that when the New Year or any other celebration comes around I’ll always have the advantage of numbers and so receive more than I give out. Incidentally this guy has five children, so though he has had to give out “Ang Pow’s”, he also gets back plenty…..good blessing and gift “P & L” management! He must hold a Masters Degree in this field.


So, what’s the “P & L” of a blessing, gift for you? Is there some part of you doing the math of the “giving” to see the potential returns, be they monetarily or other wise? Most of us have some kind of “P & L” going on, me include. The difference is a matter of degree and awareness and the shifts we make to move beyond the accepted norms of the gift economy of the society and family culture we live in as well as the traditional norms which we have unconsciously imbibed over the years and enshrined as “beliefs”, “taboos” and the “rules” of “gift giving”.


“The spirit in which a thing is given determines that in which the debt is acknowledged; it’s the intention, not the face-value of the gift, that’s weighed.”

- Lucius Annaeus Seneca


Below I have drawn 3 broad categories of gift giving which has some kind of “P & L” involved (note that there may be other further categorizations):


1. Giving to gain some form of “capital influence”: here we give to gain some kind of influence over the other(s). We give so that the receiver feels obligated to us in some way. In such instances mild to severe subjection takes place and the receiver feels obligated to the giver, in a state of “owing” and consequently is obligated to be nice, to say yes, to never question, to be supportive, etc. while the giver enjoys the huge “commodity of influence” over him or her and an alleviated sense of emotional, social, economical and political standing.



Such practices of giving are prevalent in family, business and political circles. We see it everywhere and are either victims of it or its perpetrators.    


“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.”  

- The Reverend Jesse Jackson  


2. Giving out of obligation: here we either consciously or unconsciously give because of the obligation of a rule, law, traditional, religious, family or social norm or practice. The fear, guilt and punishment factor plays a huge part in “forcing” or “obligating” one to “gift give” while the rewards of this giving is the feeling of being “accepted”, “included”, “feeling OK”, “validated”, “justified” or “righteous”.


Another version of this giving is to give back to the person from which we have received a gift simply because we have to or feel obligated to do so! This can result in “gift account” keeping: where we keep accounts and give back the similar amount or similar gift given so that the giver does experience a “sense of loss” or we a sense of being in depth. As the Chinese say, “To save one’s face”.  


Yet, another variety of the above is “gifting according to the exchange value of the gift”. Here one simply decides to give a gift based on the value of the gift received, no more or no less. This measure is also used to evaluative the quality of the relationship!       


“It isn’t the size of the gift that matters, but the size of the heart that gives it.”

- Quoted in The Angels’ Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994


 3. Codependent giving: giving in order to receive in return some kind of emotional gratification. An “needy” kind of giving which compels and manipulates the other to give back something that the giver feels he or she “needs” or “lacks” in order to feel good and be happy. This kind of gift giving is also used to maintain the relationship, to feel valuable, esteemed and validated by the other: and is a subtle way of controlling the relationship!  


Codependent givers at times feel that they need to give in order “to take care” of the receiver and can practice “great acts of generosity” to get what they “need” from the relationship but can also feel victimized by the other when the gift or emotional gratification is not given in return.  Most codependent giving is based on the conscious or unconscious need of the giver to “be needed” and get some kind of emotional gratification in return.  


“To give and not expect return, that is what lies at the heart of love.”

- Oscar Wilde


 In all the categories above, the giver and receiver is drawn into a “P & L” game, either freely or other wise. And the roles between “giver” and “receiver” can be changed, reversed or mutually exchanged resulting in the “bondage” of obligation, manipulation and score keeping.



 “What is a true gift? One for which nothing is expected in return.”

- Chinese Proverb


As we grow, we may find ourselves in maybe one, two or all three categories, or a combination of them to varying degrees. Looking back, I myself have seen traces of these categories in me in varying shades, tones and intensity. This is how we grow, mature, gain awareness and make shifts that help us actualize our highest and best intentions and meanings. Nonetheless one thing is for sure, whenever we give a blessing or a gift with a calculated “P & L”, we are well on the way of giving a “false gift” to another as well as deceiving ourselves into thinking of ourselves as generous givers. Why? Simply because we are giving without sufficient grace and are expecting, or maybe even subtly demanding, something back in return: payback, be it monetarily, the gratification of our conscious or unconscious need to be “needed”, recognized, gain status, influence, control or to feel “righteous”, “justified”  and “included”.  


So, here’s that strange question again: “What’s the P & L of a blessing, a gift?”


How can “gift giving” be different?

What can we do to make shifts away from a “P & L gift economy” or culture?

How would one feel when a gift is given and received freely and graciously with no visible or invisible strings attached?


“To give without any reward, or any notices, has a special quality of its own.”

- Ann Morrow Lindbergh


 “All you have shall some day be given; 
Therefore give now, that the season of giving
 may be yours and not your inheritors.”

- Kahlil Gibran


 Perhaps the two following stories below may help us find our own answers to these questions.


The Perspective of the GIVER, giving with sufficient grace:

Last weekend as I sat at the Coffee Bean on the first day of the Lunar New Year sipping my vanilla latté together with my wife, I noticed something amazing, perhaps an example of “amazing grace”. Walking out of the shopping complex was a couple with their teenage looking son. They, the parents were visible excited, gingerly leading their son towards the car park, smiling at him, engaging him with lots of hugs and cuddles…looking proud and excited.Normal, you may say except that he was severely spastic, walked with a heavy limp and was radically uncoordinated. 


Here was a couple who must have spent years unconditionally loving, caring and gifting their son, knowing fully well that he will not grow up to be that “normal” son who would look after: house, care and provide for them in their old age, when they are no longer able to do so for themselves. He would not be that off spring who would feel gracious and thankful for all they have done for him and choose to support them emotionally and monetarily in return, as well as tell the whole world about the support he had received from them. He would not be that “famous son” who would grow up and be a renowned and successful doctor, lawyer or politician who would make his parents proud and who they could brag about to their friends and relatives.



 “To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”

- Steve Prefontaine


In a way, the “conventional P & L expectations of parenthood” held no sway and that did not matter. What I saw and was radically moved by, were parents who choose to love their son unconditionally and to be GIVERS of grace and blessings to him with no   “P & L” involved. Nothing was expected in return. Only giving with grace, with the joy of seeing what they were giving and doing for him was making a difference in his life: feeding, bathing, clothing, comforting, playing, understanding, supporting and being all that they could be just for his growth and development. An example of giving with sufficient grace: A GRACEFUL GIVING OF A “REAL” GIFT.  


“The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


The Perspective of the RECEIVER, receiving with grace:

I was once shopping for a new pair of slacks sometime ago. It was at one of those normal shopping complexes and as usual I picked the color and style and requested for a fitting. The pants fitted well and I looked pretty good in it. It was a sure buy. Then I put my hands into the pockets to get a feel of them and found a RM 50 dollar note! Hard to believe…but it happened. I did not know who left the note there. I had no way of finding who that person was so I told the sales assistant and he said that he did not know who would have tried on that particular pants last and when.


“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.”

- Pierre Corneille, Le Menteur




For me this was an example of “receiving with grace”. In a way did not know the “giver” and could not return or even “thank” that person. It help pay for part of the pants I purchased and that made my “buying experience” graceful; that pair of slacks was a “free gift” that I could just receive with no obligations to return the favor or with any   “strings attached”. It simply surprised me, made me feel blessed, made a “difference” in that it fulfilled my need (I needed a new pair of slacks!) and left me feeling happy for a pretty long time. Till today, it remains a fond memory of “grace”: receiving a gift with grace, without the need to repay, respond or return that blessing, gift or favor. An experience of simply receiving a blessing without merit or favor! An example of receiving with grace: A GRACEFUL RECEIVING OF A “REAL” GIFT. Perhaps you to may have such a similar experience, have you not?


“It takes great generosity to accept generosity.”

-Merle Shain


In both of these experiences there’s no “LOSS” in the blessing given or received, only the unconditional “PROFIT” of a giving with GRACE without any expectations of a return or even gratefulness and the “PROFITABLE” receiving with GRACE without any “obligation, opportunity or chance” to return the blessings! Being given without any consideration of merit: if one deserves it or not.             


So, here’s that strange question again: “What’s the P & L of a blessing, a gift?”


We live in a “gift economy” or culture that is secular, commercialized and mathematical: one that is “ungraceful” and which encourages the calculation of the “P & L” of a gift, blessing, favor, opportunity, etc. A culture that practices the “give to get” principle: to get something you must first give something and then you’ll have that other person in an “obligatory” position to “pay back” what has been given. A “gift economy” that looks at a gift and not at the “meaning and intention” behind it, that evaluates it monetarily; from the perspective of its brand, packaging and social equilibrium. A “gift economy” that demands equal exchange; for payback for what has been given and that does not know what “graceful giving or receiving” is. No wonder festive seasons can be stressful times….seasons of “ungraceful” encounters and experiences.  


“What’s the P & L of a blessing, a gift?”


Each of us will have to answer this question. Whatever our answer maybe, may it occasion an experience of GRACE: the practice a measure of GRACEFUL GIVING and RECEIVING. One that goes over and above our over commercialized, secular, manipulative and mathematical “gift economy”.  


“To give and then not feel that one has given is the very best of all ways of giving.” 

- Max Beerbohm


Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention and soon, you’ll be among the few who have behaved differently and made the world a better place; a place of grace! THINK RADICALLY!      


“The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands.”

-Robert M. Pirsig








Stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!


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Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA fromGordon University,Illinois,USA.