“Charizomai”- Part 1

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, NLP, Personal Development

How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?

 

I remember an incident that occurred in 2010 which was a difficult and painful year for me. My Mum was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer and the doctors had given her only six months to live. Mum had been staying with me since my father’s passing in 1999 and I had grown accustomed to her being around. I must admit that the news of her terminal illness was “traumatic”, saddening and excruciating; there were days that I spent in tears, anger and a deep sense of hopelessness.

 

Nonetheless, as the days moved on, I made a commitment to give my Mum my very best for those “last few months” of her life, no matter how difficult and challenging it would get. I promised to put on a brave front, fight on and be the best that I could be for her. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months, the strain of looking after mother single handedly began to take a toll; her frequent admission, emergencies, appointments, treatments, more treatments and complications coupled with her slowing down, lack of mobility and my deep sense of sadness at witnessing my Mum being ravaged by cancer exerted a heavy cost.    

 

There were days when I felt totally overwhelmed with tiredness, helplessness, fatigue, sadness, irritation and emotional exhaustion; I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride that had no ending! Then the inevitable happened, I totally “lost it” with my Mum and it happened a few days before her passing. I remember the incident clearly: Mum had been throwing away the medication which I had been giving her for the past few days and this triggered me to loose my patience and to sternly correct. I even told her that she was not being grateful for all I had been doing for her! My dear Mum on her part just kept quiet at my protest and I’ll never forget the look she wore on her face.   

 

 

Though I did ask my Mum for forgiveness after the event and was forgive by her (to be honest, the only thing that I kept asking of her till the very end was for her forgiveness!), I could never really forgive myself for the incident; for me, I had failed to give her my best which I had promised. God knows how much I had asked Him for forgiveness too but to forgive myself was just beyond me.

 

As the days past, after my Mum’s passing, I began to be overwhelmed with much personal guilt, shame and self hatred so much so that I lost my inner sense of peace, equilibrium and self worth. There was never a day that the incident did not come to mind and churn in me the emotions of shame, guilt, self anger, self hatred and a deep send of self alienation. To be honest, there were days that I’d get to bed feeling miserable about myself and get up the next morning feeling the same way!

 

Then it dawned on me. My inability to forgive myself was stopping me from allowing the forgiveness of God and my Mum to touch me and this had the potential of turning my life into a painful and torturous existence! I then knew that I had to work on the one obstacle that stood in the way of me and the experience of being forgiven by God and my Mum; my inability to forgive myself. It kept me from experiencing the peace of being forgiven, “Charizomai”, which is the Greek word for grace, which means “to grace you”In short I was not living in a state of grace with myself!        

     

How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?

 

This blog and the ones to come, deals with the critical matter of self forgiveness; it shares with you some the journey and some of the steps I took in the process of forgiving myself. I do know this much, the day we learn to forgive ourselves is the day we gain wisdom, freedom and humility. It is the day we encounter and accept our fallibility and specifically face whatever transgression we have committed with a sense of maturity, ownership and responsibility to forgive ourselves, heal and take specific steps to learn from the experience; incorporate the lessons and making them new habits of behaving and to be at peace with ourselves, others and with God, however we choose to understand Him. To live in a state of “Charizomai”.

 

“You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And let God do the rest.”

 - Unknown

 

So let’s start….What does forgiving oneself mean?

 

Does it mean to make a wrong right and to condone a transgression? Does it mean not accepting ownership and responsibility for the wrong done?  Much of our struggle to forgive ourselves lies in our cognitive distortions and our semantic misunderstanding of what “self forgiveness” truly is and what its not.  

 

Forgiving oneself means to cease to blame or hold resentment against oneself, to grant pardon for a mistake or wrongdoing and to free oneself from toxic guilt, shame and self hatred. To stop sentencing oneself to the death penalty, day in and day out, as well as ruthlessly distrusting and undermining ones self worth and self efficacy! It however does not mean making a wrong right, denying wrong, blaming, condoning a lack of responsibility or rationalizing away the transgression which enables the “wrong doing” to live on. It does not mean “its Ok, everybody screws up”…it does not mean diminishing a transgression which may have hurt someone, yourself, your higher calling and purpose and your Higher Power, however you choose to understand Him or Her.

 

 

I believe that there are two common strategies that folks develop when that have an erroneous understanding of the concept of self forgiveness based on the above; the first is laxity, the looking over, dismissing, rationalizing or blaming away any personal ownership, responsibility and consequences for ones behavior. This can lead to the development of a lax conscience, evident today in the behavior of individuals who seem to live their lives without any moral compass, accountability and responsibility!

 

For example, if you get caught by the police for double parking, you would try to negotiate your way out of getting a ticket by saying you are “sorry”, etc. Then a few days later, when there’s no police around, you double park again. The same for talking on the phone without a hand free kit….or for any other instance where there’s laxity……”It’s OK, everybody does it, its being human, “forgive” and move on” we say, and after few days we repeat the same behavior. Here the only “morality” that exists is “You can do anything, just don’t get caught”! What’s missing? A real admission of error, a commitment to change, to live according to a higher meaning and a strategy to actualize this in behavior.      

 

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.”

- Steve Maraboli, Life, Truth, and Being Free  

 

The second strategy is extreme and severe negative introspection and self blame, constantly recalling of the “wrong doing” while condemning oneself to guilt and shame: “maniac –like” scrupulosity! Some consciously or unconsciously use this as a strategy to keep themselves from failing again and on the “straight and narrow”; believing that holding on their guilt “justifies” them in their eyes and in the eyes of God!

 

Scrupulosity is a form of psychological disorder characterized by pathological guilt, shame and fear about moral or religious issues. It is personally distressing and is viewed as a moral or religious form of obsessive–compulsive disorder: the constant nagging and negative micro managing, questioning, blaming and doubting of oneself to death followed by the incessant clamor and asking for forgiveness for a wrong doing which may have happened years ago!

 

 

It is interesting to note that the word “scrupulosity” is derived from the Latin word “scrupulum”, meaning a sharp stone and implying a stabbing pain on ones conscience. This description itself sounds painful enough!          

 

For example, we mess up badly. We hurt a dear one and realize it. Then we make ourselves the central authority to condemn and execute ourselves for it everyday. Recalling the error, condemning and executing ourselves while going through our past and present with a judgmental and condemning attitude. We say, “I can’t let this happen again, just look how much I have screwed up, I’m just horrible” and we run this painful mantra all the time, obsessive – compulsively while scrupulously splitting hair on our motives and intentions.  

 

Again the question is this: Have I really repented, learned from the error, forgiven myself, let go of the emotions of shame and guilt and made an option to incorporate the lesson into my life so that I can actualize higher and richer meanings while restoring any external broken relationship? Is there reconciliation with myself, others and my Higher Power? Have I opened myself to “Charizomai” and allowed myself to be forgiven? Is pride or humility at work in me?         

 

How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?

 

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.”

 – Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Here’s what I have come to believe what forgiving oneself is and means: it is the starting point of growth and maturity. It is the very place someone who desired to live an authentic, ethical, grace filled, loving and wholesome life sets up residence at. It frees ones from hypocrisy and perfectionism, from the shame-based diseases of toxic shame and guilt, a place of humility and brotherhood. For when we can forgive ourselves, we can forgive others and this keeps us moving along the path of continuous growth and “fear-less” self expression and self actualization.

 

How does this happen? By owning our wrong doing, learning from them and then releasing the emotions of self rejection, shame and guilt and replacing them with self love, self acceptance and an appreciation of our resilience to renew and be transform: we begin to grow from the inside out, authentically, that’s how. This process stands at the core of the journey of self actualization and the unleashing of our potential; a journey of being open to transforming power of grace, “Charizomai   

 

“I have learned that sometimes “sorry” is not enough.

 Sometimes you actually have to change.”

- Claire London

 

Not forgiving oneself on the other hand, keeps one “leashed” and “stuck” in self rejection, self doubt and self condemnation. It keeps one trapped in the past, cut off from the grace of the present and dooms one to a future which is as painful as our past! This keeps one from authentic growth and on the “roller coaster ride” between pride, hypocrisy, striving for self justification through perfectionism and depressing self condemnation.  

 

 

What does forgiving yourself mean?

What strategies have you created from this meaning?

 How are you at forgiving yourself?

Do you find it acceptable to do so?

What has your experience been about self forgiveness and freeing yourself of self hatred?

 

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” 

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

In the coming blog, we’ll take a look at how we create our mental maps, our cognitive perceptions about self forgiveness, and how we can change them. Until then, do send some time discovery your current meanings and strategies of forgiving yourself.

 

 

 Be courageous enough to THINK DIFFERENTLY, to stretch beyond convention!

 

Think RADICALLY and stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!

 

Catch new blogs fortnightly at let us know what you think below.

 

Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company in Malaysia. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro –Semantics,USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS,USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner.