It’s complicated!

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Neuro Semantics, Personal Development

I bet you have heard this one before: “It’s complicated!” You may have seen it all over facebook under “relationship status”, you may have friends who are in a “complicated” relationship, heard of folks whose life is “complicated” and perhaps you too maybe in a complicated situation! Hey, I’m in no way saying that I have not been there before, I have and I have “un complicated” myself…and made an oath to strive to remain uncomplicated! What about you?   

 

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”

- Confucius

 

OK, let’s first define “complicated”. What does it mean? There are many definitions, too many if you ask me. I believe that it all depends on the individual’s context. I know of folks who have told me that their relationship or situation is “complicated” and when I asked them how it was so, this is what I heard:

 

 

“I have a FWB relationship, its complicated, don’t ask me about it” (for those who do not know what “FWB” means, it abbreviates the term “friends with benefits”)

 

“I love my partner but he is also “in love” with someone else…it’s kind of complicated

 

It’s so complicated, my husband says that he loves me but spends all his days, including his weekends in the office. He buys me gifts but does not like talking or spending time with me….I’m afraid to ask him why because I am afraid he will get angry with me and the children and may totally avoid me. But I love him so much, but…..”

 

“He says that he loves me, we plan to get married but he does not show it (the love) to me, I try to shower him with my love to get some kind of response but nothing happens. They say it is always better to give then to receive…..I always have to give but get nothing in return, I’m tired ….but I don’t want to loose him….it a little  complicated!”   

 

“I simply don’t love my boyfriend anymore. But I love his family, they are so cool and I don’t want to break their hearts. I am waiting for the right time to tell him that I want a break up….but sometimes I pity him too…you know what I mean….. It’s complicated.”

 

“ Sometimes in our confussion, we see no the worlds as it is, but the world through eyes blurred by the mind.

- Anonymous

 

The dictionary defines the word “complicated” as “difficult to analyze and understand”, it can also mean “complex” which implies “a perplexing combination of many associated parts”. Confused already? I bet! That’s why it’s called “complicated”! For me the meaning I put to “complicated” in this context is the confusion of levels and layers of meaning, understandings, beliefs and expectations we put to a thing, a person, a situation or a relationship. (i.e. the stimulus out there). In other words we make distorted meanings from the external sensory data we are getting (i.e. a person, a relationship, a situation, etc.) and then layer these meanings with more distorted meanings. We keep on doing this indefinitely and then make them our “reality”, our world view, trapping ourselves within. The examples above give us a good idea of this phenomena.

 

I certainly don’t intend to play judge and jury in “complicated” situations. Each person has the right to make the choices he or she wants and to determine the nature of the relationship they wish to have. What I am offering is for folks who find themselves in a distressing and painful “complicated” situation. My hypothesis, which is not “a solution” but insights, may create an awareness of choice for them to “stir awake”, feel empowered and to take the necessary steps to get “uncomplicated”; to feel deservingly better and clearer and not bitter, frustrated and confused.

 

A lot of what I’ve been learning in the last two years is due to therapy – about my sexuality, why things go wrong, why relationships haven’t worked. It isn’t anything to do with anybody else; it’s to do with me.

- Boy George

 

Back to my definition of “complicated”: “the confusion and distortion of levels and layers of meaning, understandings, beliefs and expectations we put to a thing, a person, a situation or a relationship and then layer these meanings with more distorted meanings and unconsciously assuming them to be reality.” What does this process describe? It describes how we get “complicated” and how we can get “uncomplicated”!    

 

Most of us, before we ever get into a relationship or a “situation” (whatever you wish to label this “situation”), carry with us a set of presuppositions about what “relationships” should be like. We have our own maps of it which we identify with, personalize and attach our esteem and “self value” to. We choose to understand relationships according to these maps and our expectations are drawn from them.

 

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

- Henry Winkler

 

Then we get into a relationship. At the start, it seems ideal and good as it matches our maps and this gives us a pleasant emotional experience. Then things change, the “other” begins to act in ways that mismatches our maps, our expectations, beliefs understandings and expectations. We start to feel uncomfortable and disconnected.

 

Then the situation gets more intense and we feel severely “contradicted”…but we feel that we can’t do much about it. Why? Because we have indentified with our maps, attached our esteem and “self value” to them and “semantically attach” them to that relationship, person or situation. We allow the dissonance to get louder and don’t seem able to give ourselves permission to make any intervention to discuss, communicate and get things realigned. Our esteem, self value, sense of security and certainty are at stake…..and presto: things just got “complicated”!

 

“You know you’re in a healthy relationship when the two of you elevate instead of tolerate one another.”

- Ty Howard

 

Consequently our personal power starts to erode, we feel trapped and out of control in a complicated situation where, on one hand we feel disengaged and on the other “addicted” to the situation for our sense of security, certainty and esteem. Now, as time moves along, we begin to distort things even further, we begin to hallucinate that the “complicated status quo” is “reality” and that’s how things should be. Then we begin to layer more distorted meanings on this “complicated situation”, meanings like, “there’s no perfect relationships anyway”, “things could be worse”, “ I might as well make do with this rather then loose the person I love”, “what would I do without him/her….I just can’t carry on without…..” etc. Now we have arrived at the “end zone”, we now embody our status and proclaim, “It’s complicated”! So what steps can we take to get “uncomplicated”?

 

 

1. Develop your power of awareness:

For most of us, we were “trained” to think in a set pattern of ways, in such Neuro-Linguistic/ Neuro -Semantic formats that it seems absolutely normal for us, so normal we don’t even question them. We need to learn to develop a “conscious awareness” of our thoughts, understandings, beliefs, expectations and meanings that we have made or taken to be “reality” about relationships, the ways of relating and the outcomes. Until we do so, we will remain “defenseless” against being duped by these thought formats, taking them to be “true”, “legitimate” and “real”.

“And we’re seeing a higher level of consciousness and many more opportunities for people to challenge their present ways of thinking and move into a grander and larger experience of who they really are.”

-Neale Donald Walsch

 

2. Use the power of your self-reflective consciousness:

As meaning makers, we were born with reflexivity. Reflexivity is the human mind’s ability to reflect on itself and then on that reflection for a second, third, forth, fifth time, etc. indefinitely. It is this mechanism of our consciousness that will enable us to take a “step back” from ourselves and witness our own experiences, beliefs, understandings, expectations and meanings and then change and respond in ways that we choose, rather then being seduced by them. It is the “red pill” that can change the course of our destiny! Both, awareness and self-reflectivity are the twin powers that can help us get “uncomplicated” in almost any situation! They can help us get “unplugged” and empower us to “rewire” our neuro-linguistic and neuro- semantic realities!     

 

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter.”

- Confucius

 

3. Know what you want:

Know what you want, period. It is that simple. Until we do, we will be tossed around by “inherited” beliefs, meanings and expectations that we may no necessarily be good for us, meanings and expectations of our “commercialized cable TV culture” or even of our peers who may just be “blissfully complicated”! Know what you want and deserve in any situation, relationship or circumstance. Know what you are willing and not willing to compromise. Choose, make and take responsibility and ownership of the beliefs, meanings, understandings, values, principles and expectations that you want to embody. This will set your feet on solid ground and help you remain connected with your very self and generate personal power! 

 

We’ve been told there’s a certain way to live … that this is living … and we … we never really questioned it. We just sort of went along. But what if it’s not the best way? What if there’s another way that’s better? What if there’s something more?!

- Walter Wykes, The Profession

 

4. Esteem and love yourself:

Most of our issues that lead us to “complication” have its roots in a deficient self esteem. When we believe that our esteem, personal sense of value and security is as cheap as a bottle of soda and is tied up to something “out there”, to a thing, a person, a relationship, a situation or an outcome, we will be in for an emotional roller coaster ride!  Our sense of esteem was inherited from childhood and if it came with “deficiency” coupled with “conditional” love; the need to please and perform to feel loved, appreciated and accepted; then these conditions would go on and pull its strings in adulthood! So much of the “it’s complicated” situations and relationships draw its addictive “psycho –emotional” energy for such deficient needs, beliefs and meanings! We simply unconsciously perform them in these “complicated” situations or relationships thinking that that’s how things should play out!

 

“The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists  solely in moving toward self-sufficiency.”

- Quesntin Crisp 

 

 

Can this be changed? You bet! If we are able to take the first three steps cited above, we are able to reengineer ourselves! The truth is that our self esteem can never grow bigger or shrink smaller, it’s a given, totally and fully when we were born as a human person, unique, unrepeatable, the pinnacle of creation and in the knowledge of our higher power. As adults, no matter what “stuff” may have been happened in the past, we can, with the three simple and powerful steps above, claim our esteem, embrace and love ourselves unconditionally! Whoever you are reading this blog, know that you are worth it! You deserve the best, believe it! You only have to be you and no one else to be happy, that’s the path of self actualization! You do not need to be needed; you can claim your “voice”, choose your beliefs and meanings and determine the kind of relationships you want!

 

“Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself.”

- Robert Collier

 

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance”

- Oscar Wilde

 

5. Know where you are at now, where you want to be and have the courage to take steps to get there:

Finally, once you have done the above, take a step back and make a “reality check”. Are you in a “complicated” situation, relationship or circumstance? What’s not working? What are you in pain about? What’s causing this pain? What is it that is confusing? What is it that is leading you to be disconnected to your highest and best intentions for this relationship?

 

“God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are.”

- Billy Graham

 

Once you have done this, get connected to what you really want, step three above. Can you see the “gap”? If you keep on doing what you are currently doing, will you arrive at where you want to be? If the answer is no, then take courage coupled with your renewed sense of unconditional self esteem, self regard and love, and take the measures, steps and actions to get things realigned. You may need to schedule time out to discuss things honestly, communicate openly, learn to say “no” or “yes”, lovingly challenge, change some of the rules of engagement, make decisions and take massive consistent action to realize them. Whatever these steps maybe, it will set you on the path to “un complicate” your situation!

 

 

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”

- Pietro Aretino

 

Take it from someone who was trapped in a “complicated” situation and relationship for nine years, taking these steps is worth it! They work! You owe it to yourself to do so…and the sooner you do the sooner will things start to feel good again. Once you have done so, keep practicing the five steps above, they will help you remain “uncomplicated”! Above all, never stop loving and accepting yourself unconditionally! God does, why not you?

 

To your highest and best, Happy Easter!   

 

Stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!

Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro – Semantics, USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS, USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA from Gordon University, Illinois, USA.

 

You can follow Conrad on facebook!

“An interesting conversation”

Posted by: admin  :  Category: Personal Development

I’ll call her “Jane Do”. She worked in an up and coming firm that had recently hand picked to be promoted to a leadership role, to lead a team of aggressive telemarketers. Expectations were high but the company director had faith in her and believed in “promoting from within” to ensure talent is developed and retained.

 

These newly promoted leaders were sent to a “Leadership Camp” facilitated by me in order to equip and motivate them for the task ahead. “Jane Do” immediately came across as a person with caliber, potential and a decent “head on her shoulders”. She fully participated in all the activities but, seemed measured, needing to be sure first before volunteering her insights and lacked a degree of spontaneity. She needed assurance, needed to “feel right and ok” before considering doing anything new and preferred the familiar. As you can imagine, this was certainly not what the director of the company expected of her in her new leadership role.

 

During one of the evening’s “challenge and grow” leadership session, “Jane Do” was asked to shared what was her greatest challenge in her new role. Her answer was simple, she said that she “is a person who wants to be in her comfort zone”; doing what she was familiar with. She disliked doing new things.

 

“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning today is young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.”

- Henry Ford

 

 

I told her that sounded “reasonable” enough. Most folks like doing the same thing everyday; day in, day out, for the next 20 to 40 years until they die. God forbid if they try anything new and loose the comfort of their “comfort zones”! So I proposed to her that she must be doing the same thing for the past 27 years (she was 27 years old.). That would mean she should still be crawling like a baby, eating baby food, wearing baby diapers and clothing, sleeping with her Mummy and Daddy, drinking baby formulas, getting a bath by her Mummy everyday, etc.

 

“No”, she replied. “Are you trying to be sarcastic?” she mumurred. “That’s not what I mean”, she said. “OK, tell me what you mean”, I inquired. “What I mean is that I only like doing what I know.” “Fine”, I said. “So doing “only what you know” is your “comfort zone”?” “Yes” was her answer. Then I inquired further……

 

“OK, can you further describe your “comfort zone”?  What are in its contents? How does it keep you comfortable? What does it feel, sound and look like? What are its rules? What does it allow you to do and not to do?  What do you need to do to maintain this “comfort zone”? Do you ever break its rules? Is anything “new” allowed into it or does it only have “old stuff” in them? What meanings does it give you? What are your beliefs about them? What do you belief about these beliefs?” To which she answered….

 

“A major stimulant to creative thinking is focused questions. There is something about a well-worded question that often penetrates to the heart of the matter and triggers new ideas and insights.”
- Brian Tracy

 

It’s about me feeling safe, that’s all. I have a need to be assured. I’ll never do anything that I do not feel sure of, that’s just the kind of person I am. I’ll only do things that I am sure of, confident of and that I am assured of by people around me.  I want to do things right. But there must be assurance. I need assurance to come out of my “comfort zone.” That’s the comfort my “comfort zone” gives me, the assurance that I am OK and safe.” 

 

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”

- Carlos Castaneda

 

“OK”, I said. . Then I asked, “Would these beliefs and meanings serve you well in your new leadership role and make you a resourceful leader? Would you make it a “necessity” that all your team members “honor and respect” their “comfort zones”? Would you then, as their team leaders, promise to “honor their comfort zones” and never get them to do anything that would violate the rules of their “comfort zones”?  

   

Now things got real interesting. There was a long pause, almost like the pause before an old fashioned western gun fight. Then she said, “No. I would not allow that.” Why? I inquired. “Well, because it would not be productive. It would mean that everybody would just do what they think they can do and not grow, try new things, be challenged or corrected and experience break through.” “Yes, that’s absolutely right”, I said. Then I continued…..

 

“The ill effects of thought come about when we forget that thought is a function of our consciousness, an ability that we as human beings have. We are the producers of our own thinking.”

- Richard Carlson

 

“So, what about you and your “comfort zone”? Are you a “comfort zone leader” or a pioneering, adventurous, fun loving, “willing to try” and “learn form my mistakes” leader? One who knows that “growth” and “break through” only lies outside ones comfort zone? Are you a leader with courage and resilience, who knows her gifts, talents, strengths, weaknesses and fallibility? One who has the assurance of a vision, purpose and intention to be the best that she can be and who will find the needed resources to learn, try and do new things and keep doing new things to evolve and self actualize?” Her answer was amazing…….

 

“Traditional thinking is all about “what is” Future thinking will also need to be about what can be.”

- Edward de Bono

 

“I am a good leader. I know this. Yes, I want to be somebody one day. I am talented, hard working, skillful, capable and helpful. I get bored with routine, doing the same thing over and over again. Someday I want to run my own company, earn my own income and be my own boss! I was excited when I got promoted but my uncertainty is that I may not know how to do everything my new position requires me. I need that kind of assurance”, she said.      

 

 

“Wow, did you hear yourself just now?” I said. She smiled. “That does not sound like the person I heard a few moments ago?  Right, assurance, that’s what you need? It sounds more like you need the resources of a mentor or coach to teach and coach you in the new “specifications and requirements” of your new position? Sounds like you may need the resources of new skills and strategies?” “Yes” she said. “Could that be arranged?” “Yes” she said. “Who would be that “resource”, I inquired? “It would be my new immediate boss, my supervisor.” “Good”, I said and continued…….  

 

“Complacency with our traditional judgment based thinking methods is not enough. Our existing thinking habits are excellent just as the rear wheel of a motor car is excellent but not enough. We need to put far more emphasis on creative and design thinking. Judgment and analysis are not enough.”

- Edward de Bono

 

“Now do you have any other challenges in your new leadership role?” “No”, she answered.  “Good. Just one more thing, are you willing to give yourself permission to feel assured as you venture out of your “comfort zone”? The assurance to be your own “best friend” and “cheer leader” as you have recognize your own talents, skill, capability, goal and vision to “run your own company” and “be your own boss”? “Yes,” she said. “Are willing to accept ownership and responsibility for the role of leadership that you are currently assuming as part of the journey to your goal?”  “Yes” she yelled.

 

“Confidence is not a guarantee of success, but a pattern of thinking that will improve your likelihood of success, a tenacious search for ways to make things work.”

- John Eliot, Ph.D.

    

Now, you maybe asking, what’s this whole blog about? Well, it’s about learning to have “an interesting conversation” with ourselves; gently challenging ourselves lovingly with ruthlessness honesty in order to self actualize and grow. You see, we are limited by the mental maps that we make in our heads about “reality”. These could be maps of ourselves, others, our future, our capability, etc. that we construct and live off. They then become our rules for living; they determine the game we will play, what we will “need”, look for, do or not do and how we will interpret events. “ Our maps determine what we can see or not see, what we feel or don’t feel, how we organize our skills (or fail to do so), how we portray to ourselves ( and others) our options and choices in the world, the programs that we build for coping and adapting, etc.” - Communication Magic , L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.  They, our mental maps, contain “the magic” to either create possibility or impossibility and for most of us, they remained unchallenged.  

 

“Again the maps control the magic. It always does. It does so due to the extent that human consciousness itself is a languaged consciousness.”

- “Communication Magic”, L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

 

Here’s my challenge to you, will you have “an interesting conversation” with yourself this week about ONE of your limiting maps? It could be about your work, your potential, your business, studies, your spouse, your financial situation, etc. Bring it to consciousness, challenge the hidden “self imposed” limiting thoughts, ideas, labels, presuppositions, beliefs, rules and understandings, much like the “interesting conversation” I had with “Jane Do” above. Be courageous, be open, be honest and be committed to your highest and best….you may just be surprised by the lights that come on! 

 

 

“How we language ourselves, our world, others, how to cope, etc. govern than how we play the games of life.”

- “Communication Magic”- L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

 

 

“All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?”

- The Buddha

 

Stay committed to transcending, transforming and transferring value back to your world!

Conrad Rozario is the founder of Alchemy Resources, a cutting edge human potential and peak performance development company. He has more than 15 years experience in people development from the diverse fields of Sales, Marketing, Customer Engagement and Service, Business Management and Talent Development. He is a Certified & Licensed Neuro Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) Trainer from the International Society of Neuro – Semantics, USA, a Master Practitioner in Neuro Semantics and NLP (ISNS, USA) and a Language and Behavior Profiling for Coaching Practitioner. He holds a MBA from Gordon University, Illinois, USA.

You can follow Conrad on facebook!